Loving Our Journey - (MewGulf, Canon Compliant)

Stop Giggling Like Schoolgirls!

That evening, on my way home, under the spray of the shower, while I was eating dinner, while I was scrolling on my phone, I couldn't stop replaying our conversation again and again. By bedtime I had identified three undeniable facts: 

1. Mew was sweet, caring and ridiculously sexy.

2. I was falling for him. 

3. He didn't take me seriously. 

That night I forgot to call my girlfriend. I saw her name twinkling on my screen but I didn't answer. I wouldn't be lying when I told her that I  hadn't heard it. It was a shitty move, but I didn't know what to tell her. 'How do you tell your girlfriend that you like your male coworker?' I went to sleep because my head was going to explode.  

The next day, Most of my scenes were with Techno and Champ, so I would spend the whole morning with Mild and Boat. Mew would be working with Kao, Run and Khong.  The moment  I said hello to Mild, he asked me why I was sulking. 'Am I that easy to read?' I wondered.  To answer my question, as soon as Mew finished uttering the words 'Good Morning' he stared at me for a while and asked if I was feeling well. 'OK, good. I AM easy.'

With time, we all became really good friends. My best friends were Mild and Kao, but my bond with p'Mew was definitely something else. We could sense if the other was happy or sad or nervous. However, I must have been a terrific actor because he never noticed that I melted every time he touched me. And he did touch me.  Mew is very handsy. I  think that it's the way he shows affection.  On the other hand, I was not only shy but also a coward. So I decided to be his friend, and I put everything I felt for him in the back of my head. I tried not to think about him for a while because my mind started spinning nonstop every time I did, so I focused on my acting, my girlfriend, my family and my friends. He became so important to me that I couldn't even bare the thought of losing him. I wanted him beside me. 'Friendship is forever, right?'

I must admit something.  I didn't want to be gay or bi. When I told my parents that I had landed a lead role in a BL series my father asked me if I was going to become 'one of those fags'.  Please, don't judge him, he's a good person.  I sweared to him I wouldn't, but 'What would have he thought if he had learnt that I liked my co-star? The mere idea of coming out to my parents was daunting.  Also, I really thought that what I felt for my girlfriend was love. So I was very stubborn,  and wasn't prepared to admit that I only wanted Mew.  

At least, until we started filming 'certain' scenes. for example, 'The Ice Scene'.  When you are shooting sexy scenes, you are surrounded by many people shouting at you and aiming lights in your direction and basically moving around you.  They are not sexy at all. P'Tee wanted to make us feel comfortable, so he told everyone that they couldn't make a sound until he said 'Cut.'  We had kissed before, many times actually, in rehearsals and a couple of previous scenes and we trusted each other completely. However, something else happened there and I think that both of us felt it. We played with the ice inside our mouths, passing it each other until it melted, which made it impossible not to use our tongues.  We kissed and kissed and kissed I don't know for how long and I realized that it was the first time I was feeling such a feverish love and passion for someone.  He was a perfect gentleman. He made sure not to take advantage of me.  I felt so safe, so happy that I wanted everyone to leave the room and give us some privacy.  Finally, it hit me: I couldn't keep living on denial, I was in love with him.  

I began to wonder if the electricity that I felt every time we kissed, every time we hugged, he felt it too. His kisses were smoking hot. When he had to kiss my neck, he didn't care about the camera angle. He just kissed me for real although his mouth wasn't displayed. Yet, he was a professional.  'Did he use to kiss Art like that before?  Was I deluding myself?' I didn't want to let him know how much he affected me, but at the same time, I wanted his attention.  Although the first time I caught myself acting cute to make him laugh I was shocked at my nerve, soon I got used to it.  I could tell he liked it.  Mild and Kao would make fun of me, 'Look at this bitch! Stop wiggling your tail at him and confess already!' But then I could notice that Mild wiggled his tail at him too, that skank.  

After that episode aired, number four, everything became even more chaotic. People craved seeing us together and we had to increase the fan service.  We already hugged and held hands every time we were together, but the fans wanted more. I wanted more too, but I felt so shy around him. P' was always there to help me answer the tough questions, to save me when I got too shy and to protect me from the fans. I was on cloud nine, but he always seemed so professional that I was starting to feel desperate.  At first, when we did our signature move (Mew lifting me), he tried not to touch my butt. He also asked for permission every time he had to kiss my cheek or touch my face. But then, as we were developing our friendship deeper, he just knew that I trusted him. He just asked me with his eyes and the answer for him, was always ten times yes.  I thought that we were finally making some progress, and then, in an interview we were asked which kind of relationship we had and he said 'We are brothers.'  I know that I had no right to hope for something different, but my heart broke a little that day. 

I remember one time, after an event, p'May congratulated me and she said 'N'Kana! That was amazing! The way you kept gazing at Mew lovingly was perfect! Don't change a thing!' and she even asked Mew to gaze at me in that way too. I was so embarrassed that I wanted to be taken by aliens at that point.  When she left, the boys asked Mew to buy some drinks to stay alone with me and they told me that what I felt for him was written all over my face.  They laughed at me without stopping until Mew came back with the drinks, my poor Boo.  Those mean bastards take  advantage of him because they know he is a prince.  At least they became my support. Mild was some kind of double agent to get information. Yet, sometimes he looked too comfortable in his role and I began suspecting of his real intentions. 

They were always whispering and giggling without us, without me.  Run, Boat and Kao were our biggest shippers.  Mild wanted me to confess at once, but he always told me that he would rip my eyes off if I hurt Mew.  I felt very unsure because he could make Mew laugh in a way that I wasn't capable of. The envy and jealousy were eating me inside. I started thinking that sometimes Mild would take him apart to tell him something funny and then he would look in my direction to check that I was glaring at them on purpose, just to make mad. I was losing my mind. I thought that he had told Mew what I felt for him and now they were mocking me together. If I didn't kick his ass, it was thanks to Run and Kao. They convinced me that if Mild was in love with Mew, he would be the last person to want him to know that I was into him. And then, one day I heard him murmur at him 'Trust me, he's crazy about you.'