LOVE CAN'T BE FRIENDS

/47/ - Your Childhood Friend

A/N:

Dedicated to chengjeff17 :> ang cute kasi ng comment niya, asking for the next chapter, hihi Thank you!

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/47/ - Your Childhood Friend

"As in 2 weeks lang. Nung birthday niya, nandon kami sa kanila non, nakatambay, kachat niya ata yun tapos tuwang-tuwa si Gago."

Parang ayoko nang pakinggan yung next part. Parang ayoko nang malaman.

"As in ngiting-ngiti. Kinikilig. Ganon yan dati sa'yo, nakita ko kung gaano siya kinikilig pag kachat ka, ngayon, sa iba na. Tas yun, tumawag pa nga tas iba talaga ngiti eh."

Manuel continued. "Sabi niya 'gago, pre, binati niya ako sa twitter, thread, pare.' kinikilig pa eh. Nakita mo ba yun?"

"So ayun nga? Yung Wayne?" I directly asked and ignored his question.

"Oo, yung kababata niya daw." Tumango siya. "Nung kinwento niya sa'min sabi niya lumipat na daw sa Manila tapos taga FEU."

Tumango lang ako.

"Tapos medyo nainis ako sa kaniya nun kasi parang wala lang yung sinabi niya tungkol sa'yo. Parang nonsense lang, parang lumipad lang yung mga plano at sinabi niya na gagawin niya. Na ikaw pa rin, na ikaw yung gusto. Tangina."

I want to thank Manuel for cursing. In that way feeling ko hindi ko na kailangan sabihin din.

But then, I understand Kian. He just wanted to be loved but I left him. Yung kung kelan nakakaramdam na siya ng pagmamahal bigla nalang mawawala.

I don't blame him for finding another, after all I let him go and set him free.

"Hindi imposibleng maging sila, Kai. Matagal na palang gusto nung babae si Kian. Nung nawala kasi si Syrine, natuwa siya eh tapos at that point chinat niya na si Kian."

Ah, so kung hindi kami nagchat or nagpansinan ni Kian, sila na siguro ni Wayne, matagal na?

"Pero mas pinili ka ni Kian, di ba ikaw yung nilagawan niya? Tinamaan talaga sayo si Kian eh, nung third year ata kayo nun, sobrang close niyo daw."

"Yeah."

"But since open si Kian dun sa babae, nalaman niya na ikaw yung gusto ni Kian kaya 'di siya nagconfess."

Tumango nalang ako. Ayoko nang ituloy pa itong usapan na 'to. Nawawalan ako ng gana, nasasaktan ako.

Pinili ba 'ko? O ako lang talaga yung nandon at that point? Nung wala sila ni Syrine, did Kian choose to court me 'cause he knows I have a crush on him? Or did he choose to court me because he developed feelings for me?

Kian chose me. Over going back to Syrine and over going to his childhood friend. He chose me over those two.

He chose me over at least ten girls crushing on him.

Yet I chose myself over him. I chose to obey my parents over him. I chose to let go rather than to fight for him. All this time I never even thought of Kian's feelings for me, all I saw was his wrongdoings.

He chose me back then but he's not gonna choose me again this time.

And that... that breaks my heart.

***

Nang matapos si Hailey sa dentist ay umuwi agad siya dahil may pupuntahan pa daw siyang birthday.

Naiwan kami ni Manuel ulit, ayaw pa daw niyang umuwi pero ako, gusto ko na. Mukhang nahalata niya naman din kanina na nawala ako sa mood kaya hindi na din muna siya nagkwento tungkol doon.

"Jollibee nalang oh, libre na kita."

After that I found myself talking to Manuel, not about Kian and his new girlfriend but about our lives. We were laughing hard in public about the things we didn't know about each other.

I don't know but I enjoyed this day. Pareho kaming nagpaalam ni Manuel sa isa't isa. Kahit ayaw pa naming umuwi, hindi rin namin gustong gabihin.

May pasok pa bukas at marami pa kaming dapat gawin. I thanked him ngunit sabi niya wala iyon, nag-enjoy naman daw siya.

I enjoyed too, except... on the way home I couldn't help but think of all the informations I've gathered, about Kian.

My heart didn't want this. My heart didn't signed up for this. I didn't wanna be hurt.

Ngunit sa una pa lang alam ko naman nang masasaktan ako. But I took the risk to love the guy, I took the risk to love.

That's enough to prove myself I'm brave.

***

SOME weeks passed and Kiam seemed to be enjoying his new life with another girl. He seemed really happy while I'm here, pretending to my friends that I'm not affected anymore.

"Aww, nagkita sila sa Megamall." Ani Jane, nang-aasar na naman.

Sumingit naman si Liza. "SANA ALL, MEGAMALL!"

They all laughed while I was here, facing my phone. Trying to ignore them.

"I don't care."

"Wew?"

"Naiyak yan gabi-gabi! HAHAHA!"

"No, not really."

"Wow, strong pala ih." Ngisi ni Jane.

Tumawa si Liza habang inakbayan ako. "Kala ko love mo pa rin."

"Ha? Hakdog." Inirapan ko sila at sinubukang hindi pansinin.

To be honest though, my head says I'm over it. Like wala na sa'kin lahat. Pride says he's not worth my time, nor he is worth my tears. Then here goes this stupid heart of mine, saying I sure do want him back, saying I'm not yet over it. As if it beats for Kian, as if it longs for his warmth.

Yumuko ako at nagpakawala ng hangin sa sistema ko.

I hate this heart, I really hate the way that it makes me feel things I shouldn't. I wish I could make it feel numb sometimes.

kian • @kiannnu
i miss u sm, bb.

Yet I couldn't. I couldn't make it not feel things. Whatever I do, my heart will always feel the pain I've been suffering for months already. I haven't moved on but I don't want to tell them that.

I don't want them to think that this stupid girl left a guy but wants him back when he's happy with someone else.

Someone. Else.

Someone dear to you, someone who's now your world.

Kababata mo. Siya na ngayon yung nandyan sa puso mo, 'di ba, Kian? Siya na yung pumalit sa akin?

Is she somehow better? Is she what you wanted? Is she someone you've always dreamt of?

How do I move on? How did you move on? 9 months nang nakalipas, that's enough to heal but I still haven't. Bakit? Bakit hindi ko magawa?

Ang daming tanong pero hindi ko mahanapan ng kasagutan. Gusto kong matapos na 'to kasi ayoko nang masaktan.