ᵍᵒᵈˡʸ • ˢᵒᵘᵗʰ ᵖᵃʳᵏ

[1]

⇾ YEAR ONE

Change is strange, just like you. I knew it from the moment we met, at least my disastrous instinct didn't switch up on me like the rest of the world, jostling me upside down with each wave around the sun. When I smiled at you on the playground oh so many years ago, I never would've imagined I was boarding fever train with no hopes of return.

But does that mean I regret it? Only partially. Or,, maybe I'm not sure. Sometimes I think no, other times I'd like to cut out your heart strings so I can stomp on the stupid, indecisive organ for toying with mine outside of our clubhouse play dates.

Though right now.. I'd just like to sink into your sheets and let that boyish puppy dog scent ride over me, and you'd run your fingers through my tangled locks once more. You wouldn't even mind that I haven't showered in days. I can almost hear your voice now, telling me you love me, taunting empty promises that you'll never leave my side.

Your lips would brush against mine, and we'd lock into yet another session of gentle, mindless kisses. I'd feel all bubbly while your innocent hands explore, your heavy heartbeat in my ears while I close my eyes on your chest. And.. oh god no, I can't keep tearing myself up like this.

-

Slamming the window back down and clicking the lock, you spritzed the surrounding air with strawberry perfume after an evening cigarette. It couldn't be healthy to keep calling your ex boyfriend every few months without fail, practically to the point of ripping your own hair out with the agony that came with his delicate tone swimming in your soul as you were met with his voicemail each time. Though that never stopped you from picking up the phone and thumbing to his contact. How innocently pathetic you'd thought it was when he entered his name with a black heart beside it in first exchanging digits. Within two rings gone unanswered, your ardor was ready to split down the middle like an evergreen struck in a lightning storm.

"[Y/n]..?" His groggy voice led you to believe he'd just woken up, lighting the tenderness to your face. "Stan.. Hey." Despite your inner joy, your tone still came out as deathly glum with a hint of snot nose from crying. "Yeah?" He asked, expectantly. Because.. well, why else would you call in the early hours of the AM unless you had something with direly ruthless importance that couldn't wait until morning to share.

"Oh, um sorry.. did I wake you?" You asked, your voice most definitely trembling under the wave of self doubt that crashed over you. As he yawned, you could practically see him sitting alone in his sanctuary, pale light reflecting off his face from his childhood Mr. Hankey night light he'd never had the heart to remove. "Um, something like that.. What are you doing up anyways?"

Well, truthfully.. you weren't as obbsessed as it seemed after almost a year of being apart, not that you were ever technically 'together' in the first place. Tonight was the anniversary of when.. everything crumbled. It wasn't like he remembered though.. you'd even had to remind him of Kyle's birthday on more than one occasion. In short, he didn't do well with recollecting dates.

"Oh uhm, I dunno.. I just thought we could y'know... talk. Catch up." You listened to the creaks of his bed springs, somehow, it was almost.. nostalgic. "Like old times.." You added quietly, teething your thumbs edge. "Listen, [Y/n]," you clung to his every word, turning up the call volume to the maximum. "Yeah?" You wondered out loud after a long moment of hesitation on his end.

"Your putting me in a really weird place right now.." your look off confusion matched his shakey air intake, overpowering your thumping heartbeat ringing clear in your ears. "You know I'm back with Wendy, right?" Your face heated, breaking into a sickly shade of fever. You hadn't known that.

"Oh.. sorry I.. guess I shouldn't have called." You reacted flatly, going to hang up but leaving your thumb to hover when you picked up on his protests. "No no, It's not your fault." You scoffed, leaving empty space for him to continue. "I just thought you should know..." More chilling silence.

"...that I still think about you all the time."

Shivers scampered down your spine at his low tone. "Stan-" he cut you off when you were about to object, even if you liked the way that sounded.. it was all wrong.

"[Y/n], we both know what happened last year was pretty fucked. And I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. Nobody did. But it's just.. god what am I saying, every time I kiss her, I'm seeing you.. and every time I hold her," his tone was watery, almost blubbering at this point, "I'm holding you. It's you, [Y/n]. All you. Your the one in my dreams, I.. I know it's been a year today.. and-"

It was your turn to cut him short. The slight slur when he began talking quicker clued you in. "You've been drinking?" He ignored your question entirely, "[Y/n]. I can't keep this up much longer. I was wrong, I was so wrong. Please come over," his tone changed to one of dopey pleading, "You know our song? I deleted it from all my playlists back when.. everything happened. But, weirdly enough,, it played today. And at that moment, I check my phone and it's exactly 2:22. That's gotta mean something, it has to. You know it does."

A long moment of silence and longing fell over you, suffocating you both and making your nose burn. The moonlight from your window flooded in like honey, dripping down your shoulders and brushing against your thighs to still rest over you like a blanket. You fiddled with your waist band, smoothing your hand out over the cotton underwear. Stan's boxers.

You blinked away the thought and cleared your throat with a feminine sigh, "I mean, you know how it is Stan. I just really have no one anymore, I mean like I have people but I don't have people, you know? And especially after everything.." your voice drew quiet, "Things are so different..."

Stan let out a tiny cough and you could hear the slosh of liquid swirling around in a glass bottle as he likely took a drink. You could hear the start of a breath as if he had something to say but you cut him off, "You know that you're my best friend Stan.. and it's hard to really relate to anyone else. But now like.. I don't know, we really can't."

"Can't what?" he asked, maybe mockingly. "Can't anything. I can't see you I can't talk to you I can't be around you! Even after an entire year you'd think things would be different but maybe now more than ever," you took a deep breath to sort of steady yourself. You hadn't intended on getting so emotional. "Maybe now more than ever I just miss you. And maybe it's wrong to even feel this way but Stan it fucking hurts.."

Stanley took a deep breath, and you could just see the look on his sad little face as he tried to let everything sink in. "Wow.." he finally spoke. "I never guessed you still felt all that,, I mean we haven't really talked." He stared at the way the light reflected off of his knuckles, casting deep shadows over the covers.

"To tell you the truth, [Y/n], I've really been waiting for you to call..." When he breathed in through his nose you could hear the snot bubble up. "I wanted to see you again, even though I know you just said that you can't." Your heart stalled when he did that boyish little giggle of his.

At 18 years old, he hadn't exactly mastered the near foreign world of women but he'd long grown comfortable around [Y/n]. They were past that. Even now though with the right combination of words he could swell your heart and dust your cheeks in red. He often made you sweat with just an idea. "Will you? Like as in tomorrow?"

Before you really knew it it seemed like he was asking you out on a date. But no, you can't be getting ahead of yourself. But could anything good really come of it at this point? Your scoff turned quickly to a laugh, but only a second later your eyes cast down with the crushing weight of the reality that things would likely never be the same. "I mean like, why? What is there really to say?"

He paused, as if he hadn't really considered that yet. "Mm, well I just wanna see you. I'd like to look you in the eyes and just know what you're feeling. See what you see. Be what you want me to. Sometimes I wish I were you.. [Y/n] you're so godly to me." He fell to silence with a sort of coy air radiating off of him, you could feel it wafting over you even through the phone. He'd definitely opened up more than he wanted to. A few seconds later though and he was already laughing it off, the moment was over, but his words would always kind of seem to linger in your mind.

"So can I pick you up tomorrow night at 11?"