Letters to you

Feb 28, 2020

dear you,

i don't get you sometimes. isn't it obvious? i've made it clear, crystal clear. but... you're so... oblivious. and it's frustrating. how can you not see it? it's right in front of you.

i do things, things that'll make you see what i want you to see. i'm not straight forward, you should know this about me. i just don't understand how you cannot see it. how you don't know. are you really that blind?

you and your intense gaze, your patronizing stares. it kills me. when you look at me, it feels like we're the only ones in the room, the only ones in the world. as if it's just you and i. but then you look away, looking at someone that isn't me. and i hate it.

or when you smile. i hate it when you smile. it makes me want you more. even though i know you don't want me back. that... smile. i hate to admit it, but it's beautiful. your smile is so beautiful. it's perfect. and it makes me fantasize about you without even realizing it.

hasn't it ever clicked? it never occurred to you? of course it didn't. you're oblivious. i really want to stop liking you, but how can you expect me to not have strong feelings for you-- you're perfect. but of course, you can't see it. you're blind. and you're stupid.

i know i'm being rude, but it's the only way to you out of my head. you roam my thoughts without even trying, and it angers me. because i know for a damn fact that not even a single thought about me ever crosses your mind. and it's embarrassing at the fact that you're one of the main things i think about. it's embarrassing when i know you don't think about me.

but you should see the way i feel about you. i suck at hiding it. i suck at acting. i suck at keeping my true feelings away from you, and yet... you never seem to get the hint. and i hate it. i hate that you're so dumb. stupid even.

i know it sounds harsh, but it's the truth. you're so stupidly oblivious, i hate it. i hate you. i hate you for not seeing that i love you. i said it, i love you. but your ignorant mind can't see it.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry for being such an imaginative person. but that's just how i am, and i can't hide that. just like i can't hide my feelings from you. but it still hasn't clicked in your head yet. and that's fine because no matter what i do, you'll never see it. and when you do, it'll be too late. i'll be in love with someone else. someone that isn't you.

yours truly,
lei.