Letters to you

March 6, 2020

Dear you,

the teacher has been making you sit with me for the last three days and somehow it makes me feel...relieved? just, the thought of you so close to me...i guess i just like the idea of you sitting next to me; you being beside me throughout an entire class period. 

it allows me to look at you without having to worry if you'll catch me staring...because you're staring back. but then it makes me sheepish because you're staring back at me. you tend to do that; you'll stare at me, for a really long time, and then i'll look at you, catching you from staring at me, but it doesn't make you turn away. you seem to not be ashamed that i've caught you staring...because you continue to keep staring anyway. and i stare back, stuck in your trance, your gaze, your soulful eyes--and we're just looking at each other. staring. 

i study you, for any signs of mockery, humor, anything, but i never seem to find it. you study me, maybe sensing my nervousness. because when you look at me, yes, i do get nervous. i feel so shy, wimpy, and i just can't make myself look away. is that why you stare at me? to make me nervous? do you know that you have that effect on me? i feel like you're aware of it.

we had a substitute in class, which means we got to sit wherever we wanted. being the type of guy that you are, you got to class late, because it's 'lame' to get to class early or on time. and since we had a sub, i decided to take a seat with my friend instead, because when i sit with you, i tend to lose my focus on my work and get lost on the sight of you instead.

the first thing you did when you walked into class was look straight at our desks.  the desks where we sit, you and i. by the way your lips twitched and the way you looked at the empty desks--the look in your eyes, dark-- i can tell that it...bothered you? as if you were expecting me to be there... like you wanted me to be. but whenever we have a sub, you never look for me. so why did you today then? 

so you quickly played it off and went to go sit with one of your friends, in a desk across my friend and i. but since the assignment was hard, and your friend understood it perfectly, i asked him for help. and what did you do the minute you heard my voice calling him--not you? you turned around, smiled, and walked over to my desk with the boy i originally called over. he began helping me while you just watched me writing the whole time...and you made me blush, as you always do. 

but once he walked away, you stayed there, watching me write. you continued to stand in front of my desk and look down at me while i wrote. it was weird, and i hated every second of it, but at the same time, i loved every minute of it. it was like, you were studying me. maybe you were, maybe you weren't. either way, i loved and hated it.

and then out of the ordinary, you said, "guess what?" with a huge grin, showing your perfect smile and toothy grin. i looked up from my paper, looking up at you, and said, "what?" trying to keep calm. you weren't one to conversate with me on your own, so i wasn't going to ruin the first chance i got it. you told me good news about your new phone, and how your mom got you a new phone but your dad doesn't know. you told me about your mom and dad, and how you were happy. it made warm, glad. the main thing i focus on was how the both of us were smiling the entire time we were talking to each other. how you smiled and looked at me the way you did, how my smile was. you smiled and stared at me the entire time you walked over to your desk. i bet you didn't notice it, but i did. i notice everything. 

although the plan was to get over you, i think i'm falling for you a little more now...

love, lei.