Indiscriminate Illusions (Misc. Oneshots)

What am I now? (Gryles)

Pairing: Harry Styles/Nick Grimshaw

Rating: General Audiences

Triggers: None

I have no idea what this is it's mostly just a stream of consciousness regarding my feelings about Gryles at the Brits mixed with the Falling music video so enjoy ??

Harry likes being ambiguous, especially when it comes to his personal life. He always has. He never speaks directly of past relationships, doesn't name names, just lets people assume and tries not to allow their deductions to get to him.

But over these past few months, he's been more honest than ever before with the release of Fine Line. It's a soul barring album expressing a side of himself that he has yet to show the world, but so many people don't see that. They only take it as face value, letting the true story underlying it all fade into the background while they scream the one name he has let drop.

Camille - they're all focusing on her. That's his fault of course. It's the take he allowed the media to run with, and it's not a lie. Quite a few songs are about her, but not all of them. Obviously Cherry features her voice, but that doesn't mean every single word in every single song is about her, but yet that's what everyone thinks.

And usually, Harry is fine with the misconceptions. Sometimes he likes them. He feels sneaky when he slips in a reference that no one catches onto, like a hidden entity sprinkling his most personal secrets among lyrics featuring strawberries and watermelon. But today, Harry is irritated with himself for not telling more of the truth. He wants people to share in his pain, to understand why he still tears up when he sings certain lines, but he's always been too afraid to reach that level of transparency with his fanbase.

His Falling music video had dropped this morning. It hit 1 million views in something like four hours, which still blows Harry away no matter how many times it happens. But as happy as he is with its success, he's also frustrated, his negative emotions stemming from the comments he keeps seeing regarding his apparent sadness and the supposed cause of it.

Camille - everyone blames her. He sees the posts asking how she could hurt Harry so badly, etc., etc. and for some reason, Harry wants to scream at them that they're wrong. They've been duped. They fell for his ruse when he threw the Beachwood Cafe line into a song that mostly had nothing to do with his ex-girlfriend. It was a deflection, a shield to hide his deeper emotions behind, but now Harry wishes he had left the mention of the cafe in Cherry where it originally resided instead of letting his fear get the best of him.

Falling was never about Camille at all, not really. Sure she had hurt him, but not the hurt that stems from Falling. She was the ache in Cherry, the nervous energy in Golden, the bliss in Adore you, but not the emotions in Falling despite what Harry led the world to believe.

Her leaving had stung but it had been expected. Everyone who enters Harry's life leaves soon after it seems. Harry had brief moments of hope that they might stick it out longer than most, but deep down he had known they weren't truly meant to be.

It's difficult to totally commit to a partner when he's still in love with someone else and Harry's heart has been taking for years...

...by Nick.

Nick is the one who won't forget what he said. Nick is the one who doesn't seem to want him around. Nick is the one he writes too many songs about. Nick is the one who left rooms full of unpacked baggage in Harry's head. He's the one who doesn't seem to need Harry anymore or, and that's what hurts Harry more than anything.

Harry knows it's not all Nick's fault. He admits that in the song even if drinking and infidelity are less to blame than his inability to stay in one place and his failure to show Nick how important he was - is - to him before it was too late.