Journey of Awakening

Chapter 2

     All I knew was the cold. I felt the cold everywhere, it was in the air. And chilling my bones, my clothing was wet. My skirts clinging to me. Around me, I could hear screaming. A whistle blowing faintly nearby.
     "Stay with me Lily, stay awake darling," a boy's voice whispered in my ear. I realized that I was in someone's arms. Where was I? Why was I wet? Why were people screaming? I tried to speak, but I could not find my voice. I was sitting on something, something cold and wet. Whatever I was sitting on tilted violently, dumping me into the water. The water so cold it stabbed me like knives, I could feel my limbs go numb as I tried to swim to the surface. As the cold dark water consumed me I heard the voice again... "Lily."

      I bolted upright looking around. Realizing I was in my London home. The early morning light filtered through the curtains. I could feel my heart beat wildly in my chest. I could still feel that cold as if I was back in the dream. Then I realized that today was the day. I was leaving London and heading to Southampton. Rebecca spent the night with her mother, her mother was dismissed shortly after my mother had died. But my grandfather kept her on as his head of household. Rebecca would be back this morning to finish packing and accompany me. She would not tell me who the father was. But she was very greatful that I did not dismiss her. I loved her like a sister, she would often comfort me. Especially when my father came home drunk. Rebecca was lucky, she was carefree and could marry who she wanted. And I was jealous of that, I was here being sold like a prized horse. Being sold off to pay off my father's debts. It was made me angry, and angry tears began to pool in my eyes. I laid back down trying to forget about everything. But a small knock came to my door.

     "Come in," I said sitting up and quickly wiping eyes. Rebecca came in, and she gave me a small smile.

     "Good morning mistress, are you ready to get up and prepare to get dress," she asked busying herself opening the curtains and bringing out my dress for the day. I laid back down trying to ignore the morning light.

     "Can I say that I am ill, and that I need some time to recover," I said. Rebecca turned and she gave me a stern look. She had done this time and time again when I did not want to do anything.

     "Mistress, you know your father. He will not care if you are well or ill. He wants you on that car and heading toward Southampton. He wants us to meet Mr. Collin McAdams. And we cannot be late in meeting him," she said. I could only nod and got up, Rebecca was right. My father did not care if I was well or not. He wanted this marriage, he wanted the money. No matter what I felt, or how I felt. Rebecca dressed me in a simple blue dress with a simple brown coat and hat. It would be something comfortable as we travelled. As Rebecca busied herself packing up the rest of my things another knock came from my door. My father came in, his eyes bloodshot. He had spent another night drinking, I could smell the whiskey and cigar smoke on him from my desk.

      "My beautiful daughter, saving her cursed father," he said slurring his words. I felt a twinged of pain, every time he looked upon me he saw my mother.

      "Papa, you need to go rest. I can smell the whiskey from here. You know how I feel about that," I said. He gave me a small smile and left me alone. My father had done this so many times that it only took a few words before he would drag himself to bed. Was this to be my goodbye to my father? A drunken exchange. I sighed and turned, I decided write a letter to James. He would receive it before we arrived to New York. I took out some paper and stared at the blank page for a moment. What could I say to him? We had barely spoken, and it was not deep conversation. I sighed and began to write.

Dear James, My Future Husband,

     I hope things are well in America. I am very thankful for the tickets you sent. I am grateful that you are willing to help my family. More importantly, helping my father. I really do hope we can become friends and grow fond of one another. It is my deepest hope that love could come of this marriage. I will see you very soon. Again thank you for the tickets for myself and Rebecca.

Your Future Wife,
Lillian

    I took the letter to my father's valet who had just come out of my father's room tired. He had waited most of the night for my father to come home. I trusted him to wire it to America. I knew it was a girlish fantasy to believe that this man could love me. But I had to hold onto that hope. A few hours later we were in the car and leaving London. The countryside around London was so beautiful. The canvas of green, dotted by small cottages. I felt as if I would never see this home again. That this was the last time I would see London, that I would see England again. I felt dread and sadness seep into my stomach. Tears pricking my eyes. I wiped it away with a gloved hand.

     "Mistress, are you alright," Rebecca asked, her voice filled with concern. I turned and she had a hand on her stomach and her eyes were on me. I tried to nod but I could not do it.

     "Do not fear mistress, I am sure that James is a kind man. That he will treat you with respect and kindness. Like husbands are suppose too," Rebecca said.

     "It is not the marriage that I afraid of. It is this feeling that I will never see England again," I said. She smiled and took my hand.

     "Mistress, you will see your home again. I am sure that James will want to honeymoon. And your father will come to the wedding. You will see your home again," Rebecca said. I tried to smile but I could not believe her. As we drove closer and closer to Southampton I felt more fear fill my body. Something was coming. Like a storm hovering over the horizon. I did not, nor I could not know what the future brought.