The force in redemption | Kylo Ren x reader | ✔

Chapter 105, Memoir

/ First Person Protagonist POV / 

Kylo's facial expression winced for a split second after I had declared I wanted nothing more than to redeem myself from the darkness that was consuming me, but as always: Kylo remained with a neutrality I couldn't see through. He had kept his hand on my cheek, but I could tell it had lost the will to remain there, so I brushed it off gently. He didn't say anything for a couple minutes. We just remained quiet, sitting down one in front of the other. I was looking at him, but his gaze seemed to be distracted, not looking at a specific place.

" Say something." I stated briefly, breaking the silence between us, staring right into his chestnut eyes. " Please Kylo. Say something. Anything."

He sighed and stood up, saying not a single word, massaging his temples with the palms of his hands, as if he was trying to calm his anger down. " Please say something? Kylo, don't ignore me." I pleaded, but Kylo pretended not to notice I was there. He paced around in a small, slow circle, still massaging his forehead and mumbling illegibly to himself. 

I, on the other hand, didn't stand up. I didn't want to, I didn't feel the need to. " Don't avoid your problems like this, Kylo. Hell, this is not even a problem! You can't run away from everything forever!" I shrieked, looking up at his tall figure.

Kylo stopped walking and faced me, with no emotion in his eyes. " Not a problem?" He muttered under his breath, loud enough for me to hear. " Not a problem." Kylo repeated, shaking his head in disbelief. " How can you think this is not a problem, y/n?!" He howled, clenching his fists. I knew he was trying to contain his anger. 

" Well, Kylo. It-" I began saying, but he interrupted me. " No, y/n. It is a problem. Can't you see?! It- it changes everything! It ruins it all! Throws my hard work to waste!" He almost yelled, but his tone was getting louder and more aggressive which each word. 

Now I stood up, so he knew I was at the same level as him, not inferior. " Don't talk to me like that." I stated coldly furrowing my eyebrows. I was his equal, and I had to let him know I wasn't afraid to show him. " You don't get it. All the work... for nothing." He muttered, ignoring my comment.  

My upcoming anger had slowly faded away at the sight of his vulnerability. I wanted to understand what was happening. What was conflicting him internally. " What are you saying, Kylo?" I asked, walking towards him, but he backed away, and I respected his space. " It was all going alright. And now it's all ruined. All ruined." Kylo kept muttering, like a traumatic event had just happened, and it was all he could recall. 

" What's all ruined? Kylo, talk to me. Tell me what's going on." I insisted, walking carefully towards him and grabbing his gloved hand between both of mine, this time he didn't back away. I slowly took the glove off his had, and started stroking my thumb against his palm, in an attempt to calm him down " You're worrying me. Please. I thought you said no more secrets between us..." I said, in a last effort to make him open up to me.

Suddenly, without knowing, my vision was not the one I was seeing through my eyes, but rather in my mind. It took me a while to notice what was going on, but I had finally understood: Kylo had unblocked his mind from me, and had willingly allowed me inside of it, hell he had forced me inside his head. I sighed in amazement. How did he do that? I thought to myself. I had never thought it was possible to drag someone inside your mind, but of course: Kylo was a more powerful force sensitive than me; it ran through his bloodline, and he had also more training in the force. 

I stared with my own thoughts, astounded at the variety and complexity of his mind. It was dim and cold, I could barely make my way through his memories, which were blurred and not easily accessible. Why did he do it? I asked myself countless times. Why'd he let me inside his mind?