Habit // l.s

9. The Bathroom

Trigger warning! This chapter involves eating disorders which may bother some readers.

12:34 a.m.

Louis had been staring at himself in the mirror for what felt like ages. Pushing and pulling at his "fat."

Louis knew he was the one that told Harry to leave, but he couldn't help but feel insecure. He couldn't help but feel like Harry hated him because of how gross he was.

He doesn't want me because I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm a monster.

Louis' negative thoughts plagued him. He wanted to love himself, but he just couldn't. No matter how hard he wished. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't look at himself without feeling disgusting.

"It's because I'm always stuffing my fat face." Louis mumbled to himself.

Tears began streaming down his face as the small boy slammed his fists against the bathroom counter.

"Why do I always fuck things up?!?"

He only knew one way to make things right. He only knew one way to be beautiful enough for Harry.

Louis took a deep breath and walked towards the clean, white toilet. The older boy then lowered himself to his knees, feeling an anxiety rise in his chest.

Louis lifted up the toilet seat and stared at the clear toilet water, pondering on what he was to do next. He was scared. So scared. He had never done anything like this before. Louis didn't know what would happen if he stuck his fingers down his throat, but had to do it. He had to force the food out of his body.

Before he knew it, Louis slowly slid his warm fingers down his throat, searching for a gag reflex. Just as he thought his fingers couldn't go any further, he hit it. The older boy cringed as he felt a gag come out of his mouth, but it wasn't enough. Louis pushed his fingers back forcefully this time, causing his stomach acid and food to violently flow from his mouth. Louis slammed his eyes shut and prayed his fluid made its way into the toilet, though when he opened his eyes, the older boy saw that his prayers were not answered. The floor was now covered in his shame, along with a small splotch of it on his shirt. Tears immediately began pouring from his eyes. He was completely disgusted and embarrassed.

Louis was sobbing so loudly, but he didn't care. He didn't care that the door to his room was open. He just wanted to cry until his eyes burned and his lungs begged for air. He felt so alone, so unloved, and so ashamed of what he had done to himself.

Louis immediately held his breath when he heard quick footsteps coming towards the bathroom.

"Louis, I saw Harry come out of your room earlier, he was crying. Is everything oka-"

Louis looked up to see Liam standing before him in complete shock. Liams eyes were wide and filled with tears. His hands clasped over his opened mouth.

"Louis..." Liam whispered before he rushed towards the helpless boy.

"What the hell happened?" He asked, holding Louis' head up with his hands, staring straight into the older boys eyes.

"I-I think I'm sick." Louis lied. He could never tell Liam the truth. Never. He was too embarrassed of his actions, he couldn't imagine what Liam would think of him.

"Shit, Louis..." Liam sighed sympathetically as he began to pick up the smaller boy.

"You should get yourself cleaned up and then lay down. Rest up."

"Wh-what about that?" Louis mumbled. He struggled to take steady breaths as he pointed to the mess on the floor.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of it." Liam gave him a small smile before kissing his forehead.

"Thank you, Li."

Liam nodded before he quickly cleaned up the vomit. Louis sat on his bed, watching awkwardly.

"Can I ask you something?" Liam said as he was finishing up in the bathroom.

"Uh, yeah." Louis said, a slight twinge of confusion in his voice.

"What's up with you and Harry."

Louis didn't say anything, he just stared at his hands. He didn't want to talk about Harry.

"Look, I'm sorry. You don't have to-"

"No, wait." Louis sighed realizing that after all Liam had just done for him, the least his friend deserved was an answer.

Liam looked up at Louis, hopeful and concerned as he waited for the older boy to answer.

"I told him to leave because he doesn't know who he is. He's just, confused. He's not sure of anything and I don't want to confuse him more with our complicated relationship."

Liam tilted his head, as if he was thinking about what to say. Eventually, a sigh escaped his lips and Liam made his way towards the bed and sat with Louis.

"Look at me." Liam said in a demanding yet soft tone. Louis did as he said and gazed at his friends face.

"If there's one thing Harry's sure of, it's you. I haven't known about you two for a while, but the way he looks at you proves it all. Even before your relationship, he would look at you like you were the only person in the room. As long as your around him, all of his attention is on you. Trust me when I say that this boy has completely and utterly fallen for you."

Just talking about Harry left Louis completely flustered. The older boy was blushing so much that he thought his cheeks would burn off his face. He was speechless. All he could do was pull Liam into a tight embrace, as if to thank him for what he just said.

Liam let out a little giggle before hugging his friend back. Louis eventually pulled back and smiled, realizing how much he really loved Liam.

"Now go shower, you smell like shit."

Louis cracked a smile before rising from the bed and walking towards the bathroom.

"Louis?"

The older boy turned his head to face Liam.

"You don't have to, but if you really care about Harry, you should talk to him tomorrow or something."

Louis just nodded before shutting the bathroom door and turning on the hot, steamy shower water.

•••

Please know that anorexia/bulimia is EXTREMELY unhealthy and can leave your body with permanent damage.
You are perfect just the way you are!
Chapter ten coming out as soon as possible. Sorry it's taking so long :(
-Willow :)