Nighttime reminders

me

I know I said everything had become better
Has it really
Or did I just want to be better
Knowing I still shivered when I shouldn't.

I still haven't cried in a while
Thinking it would make me stronger.

I haven't spilled my mind to someone
Except that four hour call.

I haven't been eating well
Because I just don't know why.

I haven't really smiled in a while
Because there's nothing nice in hell.

My anxiety hasn't gotten better
I still stutter when I say good morning
How my heart beats haphazardly before every conversation I have with someone

I just know everything is not okay
But there's no one that actually cares.

They always say they do care
And make me believe they'll be here all the time.

When I start to talk, they say everything is ok
and
Happiness comes from within.

I sit and wonder
How happiness comes from a soul branded in emptiness.

When I try to shift my burden unto them
They run away and we're back to strangers.

I'm left in this dark hole of everything bad and I turn to none except Him.

He that gives me joy when I remember Him,

I try to think that y'all aren't worth my time
But my time in this world is bound together by my relationship with you.

So why can't things be better
Why can't I eat, and cry, and break down, and fall apart
I wouldn't say I'm numb
I'm probably just dead.

I know I could be better
But being damaged is it for me right now...