𝙵𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝙼𝚎 (𝙽𝚘𝚝) - 𝚉𝚊𝚛𝚛𝚢

chapter iii.

The morning is horrible. Harry wakes up and in those fragile moments before being awake and still asleep, he forgets about what has been going on these past few days. Then when he's fully conscious, he realizes he had a slightly inappropriate dream about Xander. Harry then finds his phone on the ground and when he sees the lockscreen, he's hit by a wave of unimaginable guilt. Right, he's on a mission. Try to remember your fucking life.

He calls Jeff, who is conveniently in LA right now since he splits his time between LA and London and who Harry thankfully remembers and is still friends with. What was pretty rough was finding out just how many people he isn't close to anymore. He barely talks to Lou these days, even though he's Lux's godfather. But at least she somehow found out and sent him a text with well-wishes. He actually doesn't talk to Liam and Louis. Apparently, Niall said, they just drifted apart after uni. There wasn't a fight or anything, with either of them. Two of his friends committed suicide.

"Did you take your pills?" Anne asks Harry in the kitchen when she notices him rubbing his temples one too many time as he stares at his laptop.

"I did," Harry says. "This is just a mess. There's so much."

"I know, love," she says, standing behind his chair, her hand in his hair like when he was a kid frustrated with homework. "Can I help you with anything?"

Harry frowns at the screen as he logs into Facebook thanks to keychain and the saved passwords. "Where's Gemma, actually? She sent me one text and that's it."

"Oh, she's on a business trip to Singapore. I phoned her last night and she said she'll come back as soon as she can," Anne replies. "Any other mysteries to decipher?"

"About a million," Harry sighs, scrolling through random messages. He's not in the mood to read them all and find out how even more of his friendships have changed. "I don't use Facebook much, do I?"

"No, you don't," Anne chuckles lightheartedly. "You're on Instagram. Twitter too sometimes. I am too, actually. You got me hooked on it."

"That's sweet," Harry tries to smile. "I don't know where to start with this." He's on his profile now, the last post being from Noah's second birthday party in June 2022. So last month. It's a photo of him and Zayn holding Noah up, blowing out the candles with him on a Paddington-themed cake, with a simple caption, Our baby boy is two today! , along with an emoji with a party hat. Harry minimizes the screen.

"I don't think I can do this," Harry chokes out. Anne sits down in the chair next to him, grabbing his hand. "I tried last night. To go through my phone. I couldn't. I saw three photos and one video. I just- it made no sense, it hurt, I couldn't recognise any of it. But when I see these kids, I can feel this... hole opening up in my chest like I was falling down through it to an abyss. My heart just shrivels up and doesn't let me do anything."

"They're your children, Harry," Anne smiles sadly. "You love them, even if you can't remember them right now. It won't change, love."

Harry can feel tears trying to break out. "What if I never remember them? What if I can't do this? They're gonna be missing a parent completely but I'm not dead but in this situation, I'm as good as dead because I'm no use to them. I can go back to my old life, maybe. But Sadie and Noah will always know that I'm somewhere out there but I just can't be their dad anymore. What if I really can't go back? To either? Because everyone has changed. I'm not with Xander anymore, I'm not friends with loads of people anymore. Those friends that have stayed have changed a lot. What am I supposed to do, mum?"

"Just try, honey," Anne shakes her head a little, grabbing both of Harry's hands in hers. Harry has salty tears sliding down his cheeks. "Give it time. Even just feeling what you feel when you see Sadie and Noah is a great step forward because somewhere deep down, you still know they're your kids and you love them."