𝙵𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝙼𝚎 (𝙽𝚘𝚝) - 𝚉𝚊𝚛𝚛𝚢

chapter v.

After that phonecall with Zayn and Sadie and crying for half an hour, plus some more over sorbet, Harry pulls out his phone and decides to go sleuthing. Dr Carrey said that forcing himself to remember things is very counterproductive so while Harry's determined to remember his children, to remember his marriage, he's also taking it easy. Or trying to.

He figures that Instagram is the best way to start. Not directly with his own account but he starts with his friends first. He texts Niall, asking who he should check out first (apart from Niall himself obviously). Niall promptly sends Harry a list, both of old friends Harry doesn't talk to anymore but they like each other's photos on Instagram and write birthday wishes on their Facebook walls, and also new people Harry normally sees regularly but now actually can't remember.

As he said, he starts with Niall. It's a pretty extensive Instagram account. There's a couple of stories there, which is also a thing that came about in the years Harry managed to forget. They're mostly about derby and golf. So Niall hasn't changed much. As he scrolls through Niall's feed, there are a few photos where Harry can find himself, Zayn always at his side, both of them grinning from ear to ear. Niall even has a few photos with the kids, Sadie mainly, and it looks like Niall's quite a proud godfather who's determined to teach Sadie how to play the guitar (and golf) no matter what. There are not many things from the years Harry remembers. Few pics from nights out, some photos of Guinness pints and that's about it.

Harry checks out Lou next, who's apparently an Instagram influencer now and nearly unrecognizable. Honestly, Harry wouldn't be able to who she was at first glance if she approached him randomly. Lux is no longer a baby but kind of on the cusp of her teenage years. Liam lives in Vegas now where he's a DJ. He seems to be doing well for himself. Louis apparently lived in LA for a while but recently moved back home up North. He's gonna have to ask Niall about all that since there seems to be too much grief littered around his posts.

Then Harry looks at his new friends. Niall recommended Mitch, Sarah and Adam. As Harry looks at their profiles, some things pop up here and there. How he met Mitch in a pizza shop a few weeks after he started doing his masters. How he set Mitch and Sarah up. Adam's wife for some reason. There are little things and he doesn't feel shocked when he sees his own face on their profiles from time to time. He can't remember much but for some reason, it grounds him, gives him a figurative blanket over his shoulders that says 'yes, you belong somewhere'.

It takes him a good while but after he's done, Harry checks a few celebrity profiles out of sheer curiosity. He's not at all stalling.

Eventually, he has to look at his profile.

The latest photo is just from last weekend, a few days before Harry's accident. It's a photo of just him and Zayn that must've been taken with a timer or a remote. They're sitting on a blanket on the beach, painted orange by the sunset, half-full stemless glasses of wine by their sides. Their faces are barely visible in the light but their heads are close together, conspiratory almost and their smiles break through the darkness. The caption reads, 'It's always hard leaving our two little rascals behind but these few days by the coast alone, without two kids wiggling their way into our bed in the middle of the night, were quite refreshing. I'd call that a really successful 7-year-anniversary celebration. Here's to many more years with the most amazing (and gorgeous) man that I possibly could've found. You're an incredible husband, babe and such a great dad to Sadie and Noah. Love you forever. #NotWeddingAnniversary #JustDatingAnniversary #iGuess #NotReallyDating #WeStartedWithADrunkenShagSoSueUs'.

It's impossible not to cry because there is a hole in Harry's chest, he can feel it, he can feel himself caving into it and being consumed by the darkness. This was last fucking week and he can't remember. He doesn't remember the love that is evident from the photo and the caption mainly. He doesn't remember the trip to the coast itself. He doesn't remember why he ended this caption with 'Love you forever'. Everything that was important to him, that is still important to all the people he can't remember is gone. Almost entirely.