Luahan Hati.

2020

The last time I updated was 2017.

Now, it's 2020.

It's kinda funny. It was like reading a message from my past me. Hence, I decided to write it here again for my future me. I don't know when will I come back.

2017, I was talking about getting straight As and further my studies far from home.

And I did.

2019, I got straight As, studying in Perak, need to travel 8 hours by car or bus to get home. South to North.

Ever since I came to Perak. There's so many things happened. I lost myself. 

I fall down deep into a dark hole. It is as if I have never loved myself.

16 and 17 were the peak of my life. I love how it was, friends, environments, the vibes. I met amazing people. I made friends while turtoring my fellow spm candidates whom I never met. Gordon, Ikhwan and Fared. lmao its all boys. I still keep in touch with them.

As I started to begin my university life in latter 2019, Atuk fell sick. It was uneasy to keep going my life in Perak, knowing he is diagnosed with leukimia. To make it worse, I wasn't there when he left forever.

Everyone was able to meet him for the last time except me. Why me?

He passed away on Thursday. 

Mom text me he will be discharged at 7am. Then suddenly at 11.30 she called me.

It was only a day away. I was supposed to fly see him the next day. Until right now, I couldn't really bring up anything about him. Whenever they talk about him, it hurts. My mind keeps going, you should have skipped class for him, why didn't you do that? 

I didn't talk to anyone when he was still alive. Maybe, I should have, I don't know to who I should rely, trust and talk to, I kept all my worries bottled up inside and asked Allah to take care of him and ease everything. It was hard. I was at the lowest of low whatever that means. My studies sucks, I barely made it. I miss him. I want to see him too. 

His last words to me was "Belajar rajin - rajin." and I hold his hand tightly as if I knew that will be the last time I see him.  I am crying. It still hurts. I bet this wound would never heal. 

I  didn't call him even once because I was scared. I am afraid of hearing his sick voice. And I thought that was the best. I fucking wasnt able to him I love him. Everyone was able to meet him. 

I'll end it here for now. Hopefully when I came back after years, I have graduated with ANC, have a amazing job and hopefully meet someone who completes me. 

btw I changed my username haha.