The Lover's Diaries

Don't Do It Again

"So glad I married a hero," I grumble sarcastically as I grab the bread dish. I need to get out of there, I need to breathe. I give one menacing glare at my idiotic husband before walking into the kitchen. I can't believe he did that! How could he? How stupid is he?!
"Hey, what's going on?"
Danny's hand is on my shoulder, and I violently shrug it off. I move to the other side of the island, simultaneously dropping a roll.
"What's the problem, Linda?"
"I'm so glad that Billy Flood's daughter's gonna be okay, but what about our kids, Danny?"
"What about our kids, Linda? Our kids are fine. What are you talking about?"
"Really? Really? How are our kids gonna be?"
"What are you talking about?" He talks over me
"What's gonna happen to our kids the next time you swagger into one of those buildings, and then you don't come out? What about our kids then, huh, Danny?" I punch him squarely in the shoulder. "What about me? Son of a bitch." I curse him as I turn my attention away. My anger is steadily turning into the realization of the fear that I could've lost him.
"Linda, I knew the guy, I knew what he was doing in the bank, and I knew he wasn't gonna shoot me."
"You don't know that. You don't know any such thing! That is macho crap!" I throw bread into the dish, banging the tongs against the porcelain. "John Wayne. John Wayne never faced a real gun in his life. John Wayne..." I let a sob escape my lips. "I was watching it on TV, Danny. I saw you. It scared the crap out of me." I finally look at him, and the tears start to come.
"Hey. Hey..." he tries soothingly.
I breathe heavily, trying not to cry. I don't want to cry, I don't want to give him that satisfaction.
"Come on." He pulls me to his front, my back against his chest. He kisses my ear and cheek, while he apologizes. His arms are crossed over my chest, and I'm desperately holding onto him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Look, I love you. I love you and those boys more than anything on this Earth, and I promise you I won't let anything happen. You know, the first and last thing I think about every day before I do anything is to get home safe to you. I'm sorry."
I sigh once again, the tears coming faster and harder.
"Linda, it's okay-"
"It's not okay, Danny!" I yank myself from his comforting hug. "The fact still remains that- that you went in there with- with no..... no gun, and- and he..... he could've.... you could've.... I could've...." a sob racks my body as I throw my hands over my face. I don't care that I'm standing in the middle of the kitchen, family in the next room, sobbing like I haven't done in years. I feel his strong arms wrap around me, and he lowers me to the floor. He knows I feel more comfortable crying in a confined space, and that I like to curl up. He kisses my head, rubs my back.
"I'm right here, baby. You're okay, it's okay. Just let it out."
My tears soak through his shirt but he doesn't care. I grip onto the light blue fabric, letting my emotions take over. I feel scared and gross and childish all at the same time. Danny's right next to me, I can feel him, hear him, smell him. I shouldn't be crying like this; I'm an adult, a nurse, and a mother to boot.
I always feel awful when I cry. I feel ugly and dirty and shameful. My face starts to itch with the drying tears; I ignore the itch, and almost claw at Danny's shirt. I lift my head and slam my lips onto his. I need to feel his love this way; I've felt it through his words and hugs, now I need it through his kiss. My hands grab for the back of his neck, and I lock my fingers there.
He responds to me, helping me shift to straddle him. He grips my waist while kissing me with force. His lips move to catch my tears, then back to my lips again. He seems to read my mind as he's relentless in his movements. His tongue dominates my mouth; with the combination of a stuffy nose and Danny's breath-taking kisses, I need air. I pull back and gasp for the oxygen, resting my hands on his shoulders. I close my eyes and press my forehead to his. "I love you. And I wan' keep lovin' you. So you have to stick around. You have to!" I beg, another sob escaping my lips.
"I will. I promise." He reaches up and wipes away the stray tear. He lightly whacks my butt, "Come on. Let's get you cleaned up."
He helps me stand and hands me a box of tissues. He rubs my shoulder as I dry the tears and blow my nose. "I'm sorry-"
"No, you're not. You're right. I shouldn't have done that, and I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
"You just scared me, is all," I say quietly. "Don't do it again."
"Scare you?"
"Walk into a crime scene without any sort of weapon or protection."
Danny shook his head, "I thought you were going to say stop scaring you."
"You can't do that. Even if you were something simple like.... an accountant.... you'd still find a way to scare me." I crumple up a tissue and give him a hug. "I love you."