'Friends'

The argument

It started quite randomly. Unpredictably. I was actually happy for once. Since I got back from Ireland, I found it harder to be happy in my own country. I was missing my step-family, I suppose.

Anyway, I went to sit down at the table, with Claire. I asked how she was, you know how it goes. Anyway, she ranted about school. That was to be expected, she always grumbles about school. Some days I think she's as bad as Lily, always making out that she has the worst life. I was a little annoyed. There goes my good mood. I chased after it... but it wouldn't come back. But refused to let Claire get the better of me in such a way, so I put on a happy façade. Mistake number one. Not long after, Marie and Katie sat down. I still pretended to be happy. Mistake number two. No one talked. Was the fact that I was actually happy putting them off their conversation? I don't know. Whatever happened, I left with Marie, heading towards the school library. But we couldn't get in, all due to a group of annoying year 8 and 9 students. We were sent off around the school. We came back. Sent away because it was 'closed'. Told to come back in fifteen minutes. When we came back, I found all my friends already in there, having a right laugh. They couldn't have left more then 5 minutes after Marie and I. My happiness levels dropped due to the teachers, and I'll admit, partially due to my friends, although there wasn't really a rational reason behind that one.

By this time, only a couple of minutes of lunch remained. But I was determined to get out the book I'd been wanting to read for ages. 

I started reading. The library shut due to lessons starting. Normally, I warn my friends so they're not late. Did they return the favour? Of course not. I was almost late for history, which of course is on the opposite side of the school. If the teacher wasn't late, I'd've been in deep trouble.

Marie and Katie tried to talk to me, asked what was wrong. I wasn't in the mood. Lashed out. They got the message, but still looked at me, like a scientist studying a particularly interesting specimen. Gemma started to ask the same sorts of questions. I thought about lashing out, but then realised that'd prove Marie and Katie right, they were trying to stop her. So I didn't. Lesson started. I forgot my anger, channeled it into work. Left without saying anything.

Next day, I sat with people from my half of the year. People I'd go as far as to call friends. I was happy. Until I left the canteen for the library. Mistake three. I was told that I could only use the computers. Fine, I'd just do my computing homework. Iris came in and sat down next to me. Spoke quietly, apologizing for whatever she did wrong. Problem is, I can't be annoyed at her. Explained that. She told me that her friends, my friends, told her that it's not nice for her friend to be mean to them. She told them that I was their friend too. They blanked her. Funnily enough, it didn't bother me. I thanked her, and we got on with our homework. I was at peace. The room was quite, I could think, catch up with everything I'd missed whilst I was in France. It was calm, a nice place to be.

Until Fiona and the others came in. You need to understand that Fiona and I never really got along. Another bit of key information is that I'm claustrophobic. Fiona, Marie, Lily and Natalie crowded around me. I felt trapped, I wanted to run, escape. But I ignored them. Why should I give them what they want? I refocused on my homework. But then Fiona started speaking. Loudly. Insulting me, jeering. Marie, sensing my uncomfort, tried to stop her. But Fiona was on a roll. Not only was she disrupting my focus, she was disrupting everyone's focus. If it was in the playground, I wouldn't have minded so much, the playground is naturally loud, after all. But the library is quite, a place of work or relaxation. Not a place of noise. I felt my anger grow, fueled by my fear. She didn't stop the rant until I had to leave for lessons. I slipped behind on my homework.

The next day I was off ill. Due to the stress of previous days and lack of sleep from France, it had all added up and formed a migraine. Thankfully, by the evening, I was better, but it wasn't a pleasent experience. That evening, I couldn't sleep, fearing the next day when I'd have to face everyone again. I ended up messaging my step-cousin, wanting a conversation to take my mind off things. I only half expected a response - it was nearly midnight - but he often stayed up late. He responded. Happy, a conversation started. Turns out he was playing homework catch-up. Asked how school was, said it was angry. He asked why. I told him the problem. He pointed out that girls get riled up over the silliest of things. I agreed. He aslo added, having heard about my other problems with my friends (he's a great listener...) that it was probably about time I broke free. We talked more - I ended up with similatious conversations - before realising that we should probably go to sleep, before our alarms go off. I went to sleep, content, even happy.

That day, school started with me in a good mood. I stayed with my other friends. Kept clear of those I now deemed as enemies or 'friends'. Unfortunatly, I bumped into Claire as I was heading to the libary. She wanted answers. I told her how it was funny that now I wasn't spending time around them, I felt happier, freer. She went quite and walked off. It was obvious that she told the others that my friendship with them was over, because the only question I ended up getting was asking what they did wrong in the first place. They clearly didn't realise that I knew what Iris told me.

-oo00oo-

I suppose you're wondering what the point of all this is. I suppose, part of its therapy for me, to get it off my chest. Pretend that it happened to someone else (hence name changes). Otherwise, it could be warning of the dangers of fake friends. Watch for the signs, escape before you get in too deep. 

I was fairly lucky. I've seen it get worse. Infact, for two of my friends that I left behind in the group, it is worse. They want to escape, but don't have the luxury of being in a different half of the year. I can't help them. The only advice I can give is to make sure they have somewhere to go. Their life is their own. They have control of it, not me. The other thing I helped them realise is that they have a choice.

I also had a choice, one I wouldn't have realised, if it wasn't for my amazing step-cousin. Whithout him, I'd probably still be there, lashing out - wild, unpredictible. My grades would fall agian, my dream crumble before my eyes. I still wonder if they were true friends to begin with, because, on reflection, I never felt so tied down with the people in my half of the year - people I now class as friends. True friends, not fake ones. I feel free, and more importantly happy. Before I broke off the friendship, the only place I felt truly happy was out of the country. Now I feel as close to happy as I'm going to get in my own country.