Lonely Christmas - A Sailor Moon Fanfiction

Chapter 8 - Wallowing

Bed. 

Usually the place where people go to get away from real life. They lay down, relax, drift off to sleep to dream about happy things... like cuddly puppies, flying, or meeting their favorite celebrities. 

My dreams are about busting Motoki's face in. 

I sigh, staring blankly at my ceiling. It's been a week since the Kohaku incident, and I haven't been to Crown since that day. Motoki has not called, and Usagi has not come over with more Christmas cheer. I'm much more depressed about that second one. 

The mugs on the table have not moved, and I think the dissolved marshmallows and chocolate film have begun to grow mold. And this is me, totally not caring. 

The lop-sided Christmas tree has begun to die... I haven't watered it since it entered my house. The needles have turned brown and a few ornaments have fallen, rolling across my living room and have hidden themselves underneath my couch. I think one or two of them have cracked on the floor as well. And this is me, totally not caring.

 I couldn't tell you the real lyrics to "Jingle Bells" if I wanted to. The only version that comes to mind is the one with Batman smelling and Joker farting. And this is me, totally not caring.

The Christmas CD Usagi gave me, the one that we danced to, has been sitting in my CD player since she bolted out the door. The CD that was playing when my entire world collapsed around me. The song that reminds me of how wonderful that night was, how badly I wanted to kiss that sweet girl's lips, is like poison to my ears. And this is me, and I can't help but care.

The snow is falling outside again. It's getting colder, and I know that that means Christmas is rapidly approaching. I have decided not to go to the tree-lighting ceremony. The only reason I was going to go was because I wanted to spend as much time with Usagi as I possibly could. Y'know. When she didn't have my heart on a string and hers was attached to someone else's.

I've seen them from a distance on the street a few times. It could just be me, but every time I see them I can't help but notice how awkward they look together. As if they feel obligated to be with each other, nothing more. The usual spark in Usagi's eyes has receded to a quarter of their glow.

I think it's all in my head. They're happy. They'll freaking be together forever... and each day, memories of me will fade from both their minds... Motoki's will be constantly occupied with thoughts of Usagi and vice versa.

I roll to my side, staring hard at the windowsill before me. I have never experienced something like this in my life, and I never want to again. To be rejected, to have to give the person you love to someone else, is something I would never wish on anyone, even on my worst enemy.

...well. Maybe I would wish it on Motoki himself. 

I'm bitter. I’ve been bitter, and I acknowledge that I've been an angry mess, but I can't help it. Can you blame me? Can you honestly blame me? 

I can't think like this forever. I decide to get my sorry ass out of bed and make my way into the kitchen. I wonder when the last time I ate was?

I fix myself a small meal and sit at my kitchen table, alone, as usual. The crunching of my food in my mouth echoes in my ears. It's the first sound I've heard in a while, other than my sighs, sniffles, and the occasional passing snowplow outside. My ears have become numb to the happy laughter of the kids playing outside, Christmas carols, and others. I'm convinced I'll be alone forever.

Won't someone... anyone... please help me...?

...Usako…