Queries On My Confessions (Harry Styles)

Query 4

Dear Harry,

Can you believe I have only one month before I leave this world? It has still not sunken in my mind that I am dying after one month! It is like I am living in a never ending nightmare and when I am woken up from this nightmare, I won’t be in this world anymore. I will be far away, in an unreachable place. But in a way I have accepted the fact that I’ll be leaving this world very, very soon. I would be lying if I say I won’t cry over that fact but one thing I know for sure is that I won’t regret my decision of dying. I won’t regret it because I am choosing to die to give life to a child, to our child.

Do you remember the day I had told you that I was pregnant? It was one month after our graduation. I was so scared to tell you that I was pregnant, not with your child but with Steven’s. Yes, I had slept with Steven on the night of our graduation, on the day you had had asked me to be your girlfriend. But I was so drunk that I didn’t know what I was doing. And yes, I regret that day very much. You had tried to stop me from going to that party, but I was too stubborn to do what you had said. I went to that party, got drunk and slept with Steven. I still don’t remember much from that horrendous night, only a tit-bit of blurry images. I found out about my pregnancy three weeks later. After mustering all the courage, I had revealed about my pregnancy to you. You did not talk to me for a week and you have no idea how horrible I felt that week, I still do. But you had the right to be angry with me, you should still be angry with me. I had betrayed you, broken your trust and heart. I still wonder why you came back to me after one week saying you will give me a second chance and accept the baby as your own. I was bloody stunned. How can someone have such a big heart? Steven had straight backed off when I had told him I was pregnant with his child. But you were ready to accept this child, to make her as your own. You are a great man Harry and I hope you realize that.

You were with me in every step of my pregnancy. Hell you did not miss even a single check up with the doctor. Everything was going just fine. You were there with me in our small flat in Brighton. Your family and my foster family were there to help us, our child was growing properly but something bad had to happen! It was fairytale like, so surreal. Everything was too perfect to be real and finally the fairytale ended when the reports of my six months pregnancy came out.

I would have to face a big complication whilst giving birth. No risk could be taken because it was clear, either I die and our daughter lives or our daughter dies and I live. It took me a heartbeat to decide who dies and I am very proud of the decision I had made. I would die and our daughter would live. I can’t kill our daughter, not after my parents’ abandonment, not after seeing you kiss my belly everyday whispering how much you love Angel, our daughter.

I took it as a blessing that I got a chance to give a life to someone and also as a punishment for betraying you. God always finds a way to punish us for our sins and this is my punishment; die or kill our daughter.

I knew you would never try and convince me to change my decision of dying. I knew you would support me no matter what. But after the exposure of my six month pregnancy test, everything just changed. You changed, I changed and the entire world changed for us. It killed me to see sadness in your eyes and knowing the reason for that sadness was me almost made me feel like I was burning in hell. I tried my best to smile around you, to be happy but death just takes happiness away. I cried at daytime, when you were off to university and work. And I knew you cried every day too before you came home. You always had red swollen sad eyes that welled up every time they caught my depressed, dull grey ones.

After sometime the depression surrounding us leveled down a bit. We tried our best to be normal, to be happy and we were happy. But when night would fall and darkness would surround us, happiness would vanish just like the light. When we would lay in our bed in darkness in silence, the truth would hit us like a wrecking ball, the truth that I was leaving soon. That ugly truth brought sadness back with it and enveloped us in dark nightmares that we can’t escape.

I loved that day when we went nursery shopping for our daughter. You were excited and anxious at the same time. I was too. I wanted our daughter to have everything that I could not have. But it broke my heart when I found you crying your heart in our daughter’s nursery that night. You were clutching my photo in your chest. Your sorrowful cry still runs ice cold shivers down my spine. That day was a bittersweet memory that I want to take with me.

I know you would be a great father and make sure Angel would have a good future. I trust you Harry. And I am so sorry that I won’t be there to help you to raise our daughter. This is my fate and I accept this decision made by God for me.

You deserve happiness only and I am sorry Harry that I gave you sadness more than happiness.  Harold Edward Styles I love you with every bits of my soul, my body. I am yours and will always be yours even after I leave this world.

Love Nadia.

Song of this chapter is Another Love by Tom Odell