Queries On My Confessions (Harry Styles)

Query 2

Dear Harry,

Did you know that I used to stare at you from the back of the class? Your wild curls used to stand out among the others who sat in front row of the class. Sometimes I wonder was it you that I fancy more or your soft brown curls. You always used to insist on trimming them every month saying that they made you look like a gorilla, but for me, those wild curls were one of the most beautiful features about you. I love the way you push them back whenever they felt in your eyes. You look like a small adorable child every time you push them back, huffing in annoyance. It makes me smile whenever I imagine you doing it. I will miss your mop of curls. I will miss running my hands over them and mostly I will miss you.

At first I was afraid to come and talk to you. I was afraid that my so called ‘popular’ status would get ruined if I was seen with you. But after one month of staring at you from far, I knew I had to talk to you. I needed a real friend and I knew you would be the one. You would not judge me. Who was I kidding? You had even given Dinky the stinky a chance. I hope you remember her.

The moment I had heard your low husky voice, I had felt my knees weakening for the first time just by listening to someone’s voice. I love the way you speak slowly in a low voice. I love the way you used to push your square spectacles back every few minutes. But now you’ve started wearing contact lenses. Not that I have any complains about it. I can look at your beautiful green eyes easily this way, though I still miss your square spectacles. They used to make you look so smart.

After talking to you secretly for a month in the library, I knew I had to stop it, I had to stop feeling embarrassed to talk to you in public, I knew I had to stop caring about my stupid popular reputation. You are a very good person and I knew I could not disrespect you in that way. But you? You did not even question me once why we were meeting secretly in a library. You just sat by my side and talked to me. Till this day I have not told you that I never understood any of your chemistry jokes. I just used to smile at your adorable way of telling jokes and the way you would laugh by yourself after telling a joke. I loved the way you would scrunch your nose at my crude jokes.

When I had talked to you in public for the first time, I was bombarded with questions from my popular friends. Even Steven, one of my ex boyfriend who only bothered interacting with me whilst having sex, asked me why I was talking to you.

At first I was bothered with the questioning looks I used to get. But after one month of befriending you, I could care less about what people thought about me. You taught me that we should not care about what people think of us. You never cared when people used to call you panty pooper or nerdy uncle.

But it used to still bother me sometimes when people used to laugh seeing us together. I was a attention seeker. I liked being around people. I liked being popular. I liked sleeping around. Because that way I could assure myself that I was wanted by others.

Being thrown at the porch of the church when I was only three months, being tossed from one foster house to another till I was sixteen, had scarred my heart deeply. I hated being alone. I hated not being wanted by other people. And being popular assured me that I was wanted, that I was not alone and that somebody wanted to be like me. I knew I acted like a slut. I slept around with boys. But I did that because sleeping around made me feel wanted, it assured my broken heart.

I want you to know that I did not slept around because I fancied sleeping with different boys. I did it because I hated being alone. But I think you knew that. I could tell it by the way your eyes would bore into mine. They would stare at me like they understood me, like they knew all of my secrets.

Do you remember that two awful weeks when I had ignored you completely? I did that because Steven had broken up with me for hanging out with you. He said it had ruined his reputation. He had said he did not want me anymore. And I had gotten afraid, afraid that everybody would stop wanting me and leave me by myself if I continued being friends with you.

You are such an amazing person Harry. What I had started feeling about you scared me. If being with you meant risking my friendship with others, I was ready to take that risk. And that strong feeling for you, that deep attachment with you scared me, it scared me to death. I was afraid of what I would do if you ever left me.

All I was missing was the touch which would warm up my heart, the caress which would make my heart flutter. All I was missing was your touch.

And I want to thank you for forgiving all my mistakes. I want to thank you for accepting me for who I was. And I am sorry for hurting you in the past. Now what my time with you is slowly decreasing, the horrors of the past, the past when I had hurt you is starting to haunt me. It is dawning to me now about how much I had disrespected you, how much I had hurt your feelings. And I am sorry. But saying that I am sorry won’t erase those horrible memories, won’t make things right.

Even if you reassure me saying that you have already forgiven me, I still don’t feel peace at my heart.

I am a selfish person. That is why I hope in the future you will truly forgive me. That is why I hope you will never forget me. And that is why I hope you will still love me, even if I won’t be here with you anymore.

Love Nadia.