Where's my happy ending?

Chapter 2

For the next months I was not dead, but not alive either. I was just a ghost with a beating heart waiting for it to stop. After all the havoc and pains I was finally taken to surgery. The day of the surgery all I wanted to do was to die on the operating table and be freed from what we call life. The look on my mom's face made me realise how much she still needs me. I made it alive and went home 3-4 days after the procedure. Zoe and Jennifer sent me flowers and video called me since they were caught up with school work and sports. Having a mother like mine made things seem easier even though they were not. "It" would always strike when I was in a room full of people, at school or even during a netball match. "It" hit me out of nowhere, especially in the moments I was left all on my own. I was totally out of it, could not take the voices inside my head, the racing heart, the shortness of breath, the unstoppable tears and shaky voice. I injected myself with surgical alcohol. I felt a burning feeling on my whole arm, felt like thousands of needles were being pushed aggressively in my arm. I took a razor, slit my wrists and cut my thighs, blood dripping on the snow white bathroom tile, eyes filled with sadness, heart as heavy as 10000tons of gold, water running like a storm in the shower so no one heared my cry, faked a smile and dried my eyes. Hate myself and hate my life. Welcome to my world of lies. All I felt was the pain of the razor slitting my wrists and not the emotional pain I wanted to escape. In that moment I was not trying to kill myself, I was trying to kill the pain inside. It was now my first year in high school. Overthinking killed my happiness, insecurities killed my self-esteem and lies killed my trust. Dad was not causing that much havoc anymore. He would just say words that left us all emotionally bruised. I just totally gave up on trying to be okay. I have never mentioned the part of me having feelings for a boy, reason being I never felt anything towards boys, plus I had a lot going on. Well turns out I am different in a unique way. I had a crush on a girl named Lisa. She was the diamond of the school, played for the nationals and was the fastest girl in our girls athletes. I decided to tell Lisa about my crush towards her. I was rejected on the first try, did not take it that well but kept going back to her. I was later finally able to let go and moved on. 9th Grade, I dated a girl, Gratitude. She had hazel eyes, short black hair, thick body and was a little shorter than me. I was unsure about what we were getting ourselves into because I was still new to the PRIDE world. We only dated 4 months and broke up because Gratitude always told lies, never made time and she'd make jokes about personal stuff. It only took me a 2 months to move on. I was starting to be afraid to be happy because whenever I got too happy, something bad always happened. You know those nights where you lay in your bed and have your hand on your mouth so you don't make a sound as tears stream down your face and you can feel your heart breaking? How did I go from that little 5 year old girl, always happy and always laughing to...this? Mommy don't you know? You lost your daughter years ago. Whenever I had a good few months and thought I have gotten over the worst of my depression, it silently returned. This was not a battle I asked to fight. I was tired knowing it is always coming back. I had acid rain in my brain and it was killing the flowers in my heart. I wish you knew how difficult it was to get out of bed and act happy for the day, when all I wanted to do is break down in tears. I was introduced to girls rugby but only started training for it not playing it yet. No one believed I could make it into the first team nor provincials but that never discouraged me. Towards the end of 9th Grade, during the November exams, I received a callfrom my childhood friend, Claudia. She went to another province due to certain circumstances. We talked most nights, telling each other everything we missed out on each other's lives. Claudia also had depression, I was scared to tell her about mine. We both told each other about our sexuality. She also dated girls! I asked her to send me her recent pictures and damn she was sexy and all grown up. We only started dating on the 14th of December and it was a long distance relationship, she only came over school holidays. She truly loved me. I experienced the most beautiful love ever, well at least that's what I thought. Anyway, she was my first priority and so was I. I never want her to see me stressed or witness my 'demons'. With me it was a different story...It was like I did not exist in her life, I felt neglected. Only 3 months in the relationship she asked for a break. I respected her wish. I became very sick during our 'break', my mom was called to fetch me at school and I was rushed to the hospital. My gynaecologist checked me. The...the...endometriosis grew again. I spent 5 days being observed. I updated Claudia about what's been happening. She only replied to the text the following morning. She told me she will be coming over the weekend but never did. I got better and went back training rugby. We got back together.