Where's my happy ending?

Chapter 6: If not me then who?

"It has only been, like what, a week. We already back to square one. Just as I thought things were getting better between us, just as she gave me glimmers of light. How could she? I trusted her. I gave my heart to her and hoped she will never let it get bruised. She promised to stay and hold my hand through it all but where is she now? I guess they all the same, everyone in my life except my mom and siblings, they make empty promises. What hurts me most is that I have a tendency of believing them and once they leave, a part of me is still with them, that is why I feel so empty. Maybe I do not deserve love or maybe if I slit my wrists and cut my thighs I will feel a lot better. I am not enough for her. She will never want to be seen with a person like me. A person who is to be seen as emotionally weak." I said to myself while writing my maths paper. I could not even solve equations without Cambell's face flashing past my mind. I feel like she is ignoring me. Maybe love is not meant for me, I always get hurt, I am too good at goodbyes. I cannot unlove her because I really do love her. If only she could see how my heart looks when I hear her name or see her beautiful face. "Kayla. Kayla!" Miss Jackson called out. She is a grade 9 to 12 English teacher, known as the fit, tomboy and strict teacher. Do not worry though she has a heart of gold even though her face states otherwise  "Time is up, you have to give in your paper." I have been thinking about Cambell for the last 20 minutes of exam duration. "I have not solved the last question mam, can I please get 5 more minutes?" "I am afraid not Kayla, time is up and you know the rules. Give in your paper." said Miss Jackson with a look of sympathy on her face. "I beg you mam, I need these marks, please." She gave me time up until she has taken in the rest of the class's exams. The question counted 15 and I only did the first 5 which counted 9 marks all together. We are all done and we heading to the next class Geography. I am seriously not in the mood for Mrs Namboo's lecture about teens (us) that are always on their phones and got no time to study. If only she knew the hours we spend studying and put more effort in her work then she would understand. "Good morning Grade 11s, you may sit down. For your information I am not in the mood today and I bet if you see your tests you also would not be in the mood. Now, take out your books and start with the investigation task on page65. I want it tomorrow." The sound of her scratchy voice made my whole body crawl and I literally wanted to stand up, take my shit and leave. "Mrs Namboo, it states here in the book that the task must be handed in 2 weeks but you want it tomorrow? We writing our language paper tomorrow, so I do not think anyone of us will get the time to do this is one day." I said. "If you could just switch off your phone afterschool and hurry home, you will be able to do all of it in 24 hours. You need the marks not me. Whether you do it or not my salary stays the same. Carry on with your work I have tons of work to complete before this day ends" said Mrs Namboo as she continued marking the rest of our tests. I felt like throwing her with the nearest object which was a pair of scissors. It was really not my day. "Kayla, your test looks good. Well done." said Mrs Namboo. I was surprised because I wrote what I thought was right. 86% damn I nailed it. We moving on to the next class, Arts, everyone hates that class. I walked slow to class because I did not want to bunk class. "Kayla! You are late. The period has started 17 minutes ago and you only rocking up now." said Mrs Klassen. "There was a lot traffic on my way to class mam." "It is not my fault. Make sure you get here in time. If not..." said Mrs Klassen. "I never said it is your fault, chill out. It is not like I killed a person." "Did you just give me attitude?" "It is what it is, I was just stating facts." "Do not patronize me! Principal's office NOW!" "Your wish is my command." On our way to the principal's office all I could focus on was how wrecked my life is. "Mrs Klassen? What is the matter?" Principal Walter asked. "This little...Sir Kayla has been giving me problems and I really do not know what happened to the old Kayla. She was never like this" "Thank you Mrs Klassen I will take it from here. So Kayla what happened to the old Kayla, the one who only came to my office to deliver documents?" "They crashed her heart, wrecked her soul, drained her mind and left her numb." "And what can we do to get her back?" "Nothing, except if you could get me a new soul, heart, writs and mind. I never changed though, I just stopped tolerating people to take advantage. Judge me all you want but that does not change the fact that I am a broken crayon but I still colour." As I made my way out, wiping my last tear, I bumped into Gratitude. Her tummy is so big and perfectly round. "Is she pregnant or what?" I said to myself. "Hey Kayla. You do not look okay what is wrong?" "Nothing I cannot handle." I walked as fast as I could just to avoid more questions. I was moving faster and faster for the sake of not getting sympathy, I hate it. I could really use with a good meal, during lunch time I was joined by a girl, Suzzy, she is a year younger than me but you would not tell because of her height and body structure. "Mind if I join you?" "No, you can chill with me." "Thank you. I am Suzzy, I am from California, moved here because my mom got a job offer on this side of the country. And you are?" "I am Kayla, I was born and bred in Free State and I am a rugby player. There is actually not much to tell." Her yellow, furry top went up at the sleeves and the first thing I saw was a huge and long scar. I did not even want to ask about it. Come to think of it, therapy helps others but on others it does not. Cutting does not mean you wanna die, simply means that you want to end the emotional battle you are in. Sometimes love and support is not enough. Relapsing is common but it helps you look back at the past and not make the same mistakes again. I remember the first time I cut my wrists, the reasons, the feelings, the pain, the crying, the noise from behind closed... "Kayla, are you okay? You scaring me?" Suzzy asked. "What? Sorry I need to go. We will talk later." I rushed off to the office to get the secretary to call my mom. I just wanted to be away from everyone and everything. I wanted to be in a dark room, earphones in and hold my pillow tight. I think I might be having an attack. I do not want people to witness my weakness. "Kayla there is only three more periods left before school's out." Miss Dean said. "I cannot wait that long. It is urgent." "I will try calling your mother even though I do not see the use." I rolled my eyes and sat on the dusty pink and light brown chairs next to Mr Hun's office. My eyes were getting blurry, heart was starting to race, irrational thoughts striked me and all I could do is act okay. My sky was not so blue anymore, a storm was forming. I have been on the low but it is getting real right now. I felt lonely. Can somebody please show me how to overcome this. My inner self was also numb. I stood up and stormed out of the office and sat by the gate waiting for my mom. Finally she arrived after a long time. "Hey sweedy, what is wrong? You sick? Is it one of your friends?" "No mom I am okay just take me home please...I want to be alone." As we drove off mom played my favourite song Hero by Mariah Carey and she was amazed that I never sang along, danced or even brighten up like usual. I could not pretend anymore. What is happening to me? Who am I becoming? Will I be able to get through this? I doubt. We arrived home, I ran straight to my room, closed my curtains and started letting all the feelings out. I cried, punched the wall and knocked frames of Cambell and I off my dressing table. Memories brought all the hurt. "Lord! Can you hear me? What did I ever do to you? Is it because I love girls? If that's the reason why my life is so wack please stop my heart from experiencing all the feelings! I want to be okay. Somedays I want to die. I do not want this constant pain. Set me free from my misery! I have felt your wrath. I felt your anger, it is enough now. Take my soul instead of making me experience all this pain." I laid down on my bed, cuddled up, with tears constantly running down my face like a river. Mom knocked on my door, holding a platter of fruits, I am sure she heard my cry. "Mom? What are you doing in my room?" "Honey whatever brings you down is already beneath you." "Sometimes I wish Anny was still alive. I cannot keep on living this way, I need her by my side. It is hard for me to tell her I love her as I am standing over her grave, knowing I will not here it back. God took her too early. Things will never be the same again." Anny is my mom's first born, she died when she was 16. Mom misses her. It hits differently when you miss someone that is never coming back. "Honey, it is the worst kind of pain I have known. Losing my first daughter broke me but I stayed strong for you guys. A million tears will not bring her back, I know because I tried. The world owes you nothing. It took me 9 months to allow your heart to be fully formed, do not let a person break it in a minute." She gave me a kiss on my forehead and smiled with tears in her eyes. I hurt my mom when I cry. I should stop. Shanelle sent me a long paragraph telling me about how much she doesn't wanna lose me and her love for me. I am thankful for a friend like her. I tried proving that I am genuinely in love with Cambell. But right now where are my feelings? I'm lost and it kills me inside. Goodness has been leaving me texts and I do not want to open them. I do not want to talk to anyone, I do not want any of my friends coming over to check up on me. I am running out of time and feelings. I switched of my phone, took out my journal and ripped a page out.  I wrote to my mom and others:

"Mom, you are a strong woman. I am not 100% sure that you will be able to handle my death but God will give you strength to move on. I'm sorry for bringing you pain. I need you guys to know that I love you. To all my friends, you deserve a friend who's gonna make your days brighter not the one who always comes with problems. Cambell, I love you and you know it. I tried everything but I will never be enough for you. I wish you all the best moving forward. Do not worry you not the reason for my suicide. I have no place here...
Love Kayla"

I took over 15 sleeping pills and placed them next to my journal. I called 911...

Assistant: 911, how may I help you?
Kayla: um...I would like to report suicide.
Assistant: May I ask who is the victim?
Kayla: ... I am

Drops the call

I took the pills and drank them. I went in my bathroom, instead of the one all of us use, I went in the tub full of water, slit my wrists...one of the deepest cut I have ever had, it was not the red dotted lines anymore it was a stream of blood and I rested my head on the ends of the tub. Tears rolled down as I was saying my final goodbyes silently. The crystal clear water became red within seconds. I was sure that this was my final night on earth. Goodbye world.