I Hear You

Part 1: I Want to Know!

"I want to know!" My voice is raised more than I meant it to be. As I turn to see her, there's sorrow and frustration written on her delicate face. A face that is always so poised and confident- now seems broken and unraveled.

"I think you already do." She snaps as she walks off towards the door.

"Then just tell me." My voice is quiet and unprepared for her. I want to hear her say it. Say what she has hidden from me.

"Oh for God's sakes, Max." Her voice breaks and I feel my heart ready to burst. I've pushed her before and lost her. What will happen this time? "I did it for you. Everything, I have ever done. I have done for you."

I can't fathom words. I can't speak. For almost a whole year and a half, I have been telling this woman time after time how much I care and adore her- favor her!- and now, I am rendered speechless? Stepping forward, I walk to her, mouth dry and wordless, heart trying to reset it's beat, and my mind trying to grasp what I need to say to keep her in one place long enough to figure everything out. She just stands there agape at my presence looming over her. My eyes catch her mouth and I would love to capture those pouty painted lips- to show her how I feel. Maybe showing her will get her to understand all the ways I have told her previously how I feel. Everytime, she walks away from them as if untouched or deaf to my affections- it's frustrating. Just as I feel I'm ready to do so, my finger catches my wedding ring.

Georgia.

How guilt ridden I feel now. I have loved this woman since I met her. Since I was a married man. I had told her I wanted her, that I loved her- all while my wife was alive and pregnant with our daughter. I told Helen I loved her. The guilt builds in me and my gaze still remains heavily fixed between her eyes and lips.

Alice.

Just last night, she had pushed herself on me after we agreed we weren't ready to move on. Yet she kissed me anyway and I kissed her back. It didn't necessarily mean anything to me, but it felt nice being intimate again. This morning felt nice. It was easy, being with Alice this morning- though the guilt had risen momentarily. I found it was easy pushing it back down into my gut as Alice and I partook in something neither of us expected too.

Helen.

If I kiss her now, I am subjecting her to my unreadiness. I am doing what Alice had done to me. Forcing a thought of lust into her mind- only to have to rip it away when the guilt rises back into me. Thus I will lose her. I can't lose Helen. I won't lose her- not to a quick meaningless action.

Her eyes drop from mine and her lips close. She knows I won't do anything. She knows I won't speak. She knows I'm not ready for her.

But I am.

I'm ready in the sense that I know how I feel about her. I'm ready in the sense that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. However, I'm not ready to give up Georgia yet. I'm still not fully here, despite how it seems. I'm still struggling with the fact that she's gone and I'm not- when I was the one who wasn't truthful and loyal. I had sinful thoughts about a woman who wasn't my wife. I had laid awake several nights on our couch dreaming and thinking of my doctor. Did Georgia know? How couldn't she have known? I talked about Helen all the time. I praised her in her absences and messaged her in my wife's presences. Georgia knew.

Helen walks away without any more words. Just a quick small smile of understanding rises to her lips before taking her leave. There I'm left, standing locked away in my own body being feasted upon by the shame that has grown inside me. I can hear her expensive heels click and clack against the worn out tiled floor. Why did I push? Why do I always push?