I Hear You

Part 9: Trouble Ensues

If I had a penny for every second I've spent staring at my ceiling- hating myself- I'd be a rich man. I can't get my mind off of them. Standing there. Arms around each other. Sharing a dainty kiss. Blah! Fuck that. Fuck him! Who the hell is he anyway? I find it repulsing. I find it disappointing. He's only been in the hospital for three days now and he already has Helen around his finger. What the actual fuck was that? You can't tell me she honestly wants to be with him. The smug, arrogant, little man he is. I'm not jealous of him. I just detest what he stands for at this moment in time.

Rivalry.

If I could just get Helen to understand my side of the story then maybe she would realize that I'm trying to be with her.

But how would that go exactly?

Hi Helen, let me explain. So I was supposed to go on a date with Alice and then when we got there we decided not to do it because we weren't ready. Then she threw herself on me and I kind of liked it because it has been a long time. Yet I was still in love with you but also still feeling survivors guilt for my dead wife and that night in your office where you bore your heart to me- I wanted to kiss you madly and tell you I have loved you since we met- but oh yeah I slept with Alice that morning. Hope it isn't too awkward for you. So just forget Cassian Shin. I've already forgotten what's her face and you and I can finally be together and have babies and grow old and grey!

Yeah. Flawless execution if you ask me!

Fuck!

I'm such an idiot. Why am I such a damn moron? Even if I'm not ready to give up Georgia- I should have fought harder to keep Helen's eyes on me. There's something there. I know it. I feel it. She's tough to read and tough to understand sometimes- but she's still a woman. She still wants to feel wanted and loved and wants to be able to be vulnerable and she can't do that with me if I'm proving to be one big fucking joke of a hot mess.

However. As much as I hate the thought of her being with anyone else but me- maybe that's what she needs now. Maybe she needs to be with someone else to clear her mind and heart and come to an understanding that what they have is just lust and circumstance. She and I have a thing. A vibe. A strong connection tying us together. We always have and we always will. It's why she always answers my phone calls- even when she's mad at me. It's why even on a terrible day- we seek each other out. I truly believe that we met for a reason. That her and I have this weird unspoken attraction for each other. I never used to believe in it but maybe...maybe we're...

Soulmates.

I used to think it was a fake made up thing- to be a cheesy romantic. But what if it's true! What if we all have soulmates and half of us never truly find them. We just settle for second place because we're scared to keep searching and fighting for someone we know we need. Helen has to be my soulmate. She has to be. These intense feelings I have always had wouldn't make sense if we weren't. So maybe, and I hate this- maybe she should be with Shin.

For now!

Then she'll wake up someday and realize he's not what she wants. I can wait for her. I've always waited for her.

But can she wait for me?

She isn't one for staying for a conversation. Why would she be one to wait for me in romance? She's 38 years old and she wants kids and IVF needs to happen now for her if that's going to happen. So would she wait? Would she wait for me to be ready to let go of Georgia fully?

I don't know. I would love to think yes. I would love for her to be waiting patiently for me, while I say goodbye to my wife one final time. Yet I don't foresee her sticking around for however long that may take.