The Survivors Of Eden

7

I knock on Lachlan's door gently, clenching my jaw tight with anxiety. I'm not sure why I want to speak to him, everything I could possibly say would be futile. Yet, I find myself hoping Lachlan will find it in his heart to be patient with me, though I don't deserve it. I know he says he's forgiven me, that we're on better terms, but I know that's untrue. And lately, I've found myself thinking of Lachlan more than I think of our mission, and that's a risk I can't take. So if I need to say a thousand pathetic apologies to Lachlan, I'm willing to do that.

When Lachlan sees me he glances at me once, from head to toe, then gestures for me to come inside. Lachlan looks completely unsettled, ready to leave at any moment. Part of me is afraid he's planning on going off on his own.  I sit cross-legged on his bed, watching as he leans up against the counter. 

"Is everything alright?" he asks, observing my tense mood. 

"Well, not really," I admit with a light-hearted chuckle. "Other than everything going on with you...we're about to start filming the video and if I'm being honest...I'm not sure I can do this. If we were sitting back in Eden right now and a video broadcasted of some random girl saying she was the EcoPan and you were free to go, would you believe her?"

"I suppose not," he confesses, taking a seat on the edge of the bed beside me. "But it would be strange enough to give me hope. All we ever really needed was hope. After you told us about the forest everything fell into place after that. Even if we didn't believe."

"Fell in place?" I chuckle. "Is that what you call total chaos? Lachlan, we were never guaranteed to survive. We were never guaranteed to win. We wouldn't have been the first time in history the good guys lost."

"Maybe not," he agrees with a sigh, contemplating. "But I believed in you. I believed we would win, somehow." 

"But they don't know me. They don't believe in me."

"But they will. You're they're EcoPan. If you can't convince them, no one can," he reasons. His had twitches, instinctual reaching for mine. He stops himself, pretending nothing happened at all. 

"I wish I could be optimistic like you," I whisper, reaching out and touching his face. I don't see the point in hiding my affection when there's still a somewhat fair chance we could die at any moment. He chuckles in disbelief. 

"Trust me, I'm not optimistic. But after years of seeing terrible things happen...I don't see the point in dwelling on the bad things in life. It's much nicer to dwell on the good."

I lean into him, attempting to press my lips to his. He realizes what I'm trying to do and he leans in too...but he pulls away at the last second.

"I can't," he exhales. "I don't want to hurt you Rowan but I can't."

"I understand you've been keeping your distance," I murmur, embarrassed and regretful. I see the anguish on his face and guilt fills me. "I should leave."

I stand, hurrying to the door until he stops me, holding my hands. I'm surprised to see him looking sad and regretful too. 

"I don't want you to leave," he says with the shake of his head, giving me a profound look. "I know it's for the best but I want you here with me. In case something happens I don't want you to think I don't want you. It's just that...when you left me- left all of us- I didn't think I would ever love again. I felt like I'd never become a husband or a father...everything I'd ever wanted to be was disappearing in front of me. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't feel. I woke up every day just praying it would be different than the last cause I couldn't stand the way I felt. So when you came back, you saved me from that, but when you leave again...I think I might break. So I can't get attached again. I need to take whatever healing you brought me and I need to keep going, even once you leave." I see tears fill his eyes and watch as he fights his every instinct in his body. I can feel his heat and see his pain. It's like when I was Yarrow just before my surgery...I know him so well yet I feel like I don't know him at all.

"Let me hold you. Let me comfort you," I say, pressing myself close to him.

He shakes his head, smiling down on me sadly. He takes my face in his hands, pressing his lips right underneath my ear. He lets his lips linger, then pulls away. 

"No. You have more important things to do," he states, taking a step back. "Didn't you say they're setting up to make the video?"

"We always have something more important to do," I insist as he walks me to the door. 

"That's our whole life, Rowan," he explains as I step into the hallway. I watch him close the door, leaving me standing in the hallway alone, admittedly feeling comforted. Finally, I set Rowan aside, and become the EcoPan I am meant to be. I have a job to do. And, like always, I can't fail.