2020

3. Again?

17/03/2020

Last year my life changed radically and for the first time I felt my heart completely broken. Broken into a thousand pieces. I felt absolutely nothing and every day I woke up, I asked myself why? why am I passing through all of this?

This year I thought things could be different, I could heal myself and start to feel what I did not feel for a long time. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Sometimes I tell to myself that bad weeks compensate a good day but, to what extend are those weeks worth it? I always try to wake up hoping today is going to be that good day, that if you work hard you will achieve whatever you want, that happiness is going to come back and that your broken heart is going to be fixed up. However, most of the nights I go to bed wondering what I did wrong. At the end, you get tired; you do not want to fight anymore because you know nothing is ever going to change. All those little things that keep you up are slowing disappearing, all your goals are getting so high that you are afraid of keeping climbing, and every single thing or person you had by your side is not there anymore. So find yourself alone, with no support, with no energy, with no hope. And, it is in that moment when you realise that you are still broken, and you will unable to feel that happiness that used to give you strength and power.

I am again in my room, my little room but this time away from home although still on my own. It is already dark and not many people are walking outside. I can hear my flatmates talking, laughing and I can just feel a lump in my throat while I remember how different this year I thought it was going to be. 

I never imagined that I would be writing again, that I would be getting all these feelings off my chest again. I never imagined that I would feel that broken again. Although, maybe it is not just that all of this happens again, maybe I never stopped feeling that way.