Evanesce ||GerAme||Angst & Fluff||

Uncertainty and Second-Guessing

"Here I am...back where I started" Alfred thought as he found himself roaming the quiet halls of his home in the dead of night. "I can't get a break, can I?" Alfred went to the kitchen and opened the fridge, finding the large amount of frosting that he had made a few days prior. Taking the plastic wrap off the bowl, Alfred grabbed the spoon the was still inside. He always hated resorting to this, but it was better than self-harm, right? "Time to be the fatass I was meant to be all along and just eat my feelings away..." This was something that Alfred had been doing a lot more recently. Was it good for him? No. But he did so anyway. Surely, the say the least that the other nations hadn't noticed that his clothes were slightly too snug on him now.

Alfred had retreated to his room, bowl in hand as he shoveled frosting into his mouth, "Might as well look the part since the others always point out the fact my nation has the highest obesity rates anyway..." Tears were running down Alfred's face as he plopped down onto his bed. Hugging the bowl he rocked a little back and forth to comfort himself. A thought popped into his head. "Is Ludwig just doing all of this out of pity?"

That was it. That was the thought that pushed him over the edge. "Fuck this shit..." Alfred mumbled quietly, forcing himself out of bed and over to his desk. Grabbing the pencil sharpener out of his desk he forced the blade out, allowing himself to observe the blade. It was slightly rusted, but even after so many years of having it, it still managed to remain sharp. Alfred lowed the blade to his arm and allowed it to drag harshly across his skin, slicing over the previous cuts from a few days prior which caused them to reopen. Throughout this wave of depression and anger, the only thing that Alfred could hear himself say was, "It's easier for me to hate you than love you- but I don't want that. I would rather die than hate anyone...I take that back. I would rather die than hate almost anyone." This went on for a few long minutes, Alfred's eyes slowly getting heavier by the minute. "If it's death I want, then let it be the worst thing that I'll ever have happen to me."

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The next morning, Alfred awoke to his phone buzzing. So he got up from the uncomfortable sleeping position he was in to see exactly who it was that was calling him this early in the morning.

Alfred picked up the phone, 'Hello?" he didn't even bother to look at who was calling him, was he that dumb?

"Good morning Al!"

"Oh, good morning Mattie. Why are you calling me?"

"Well, you weren't answering your door this morning, and I was about to head off to England for the next meeting in a few days. So I wanted to let you know that I had left and to remind you of the meeting."

"Oh...okay..." Alfred had some disappointment in his voice, he loved his brother a lot and was always upset whenever he left. Matthew was his only source of distraction from his lurking thoughts. And now that he wouldn't get to see him for another few days, who knows what he'll do.

"You alright Alfie?" Matthew could tell that something was off. Of course, he knew that Alfred would get a little upset whenever he had to leave. But this seemed like something more. Was it...hurt that he could hear?

Alfred forced out a laugh, "Yeah, I'm doing great! I did just wake up though." Ow, that hurt to do. He hated lying to his brother as well, "Well, I'll see you in a few days, Mattie!"

Matthew sighed, still unsure if Alfred was telling the truth or not, but he decided to let it slide for now, "Alright, I'll see you in a few days."

Alfred hung up, sighing as he shoved his phone back into his pocket. The air felt cold on his skin, causing Alfred to shiver slightly. "I really need to buy more things for the house..." Alfred muttered, grabbing his jacket and shoving his shoes onto his feet.

Everything outside was cold. Alfred was cold, but this was the warmest jacket that he had.

His worn jacket clung to his shoulders as Alfred's feet dragged along the glistening road. Alfred knew that with what he wanted to do, driving would never be a good option.

(A/N) I am so sorry for not updating for a while. I needed to focus on school work to make sure I passed Algebra 2. However, I do not know when I will update next. There is so much going on in this country to the point where I am overwhelmed. I am tired of being forced to stay in the background. To all of my black readers: I stand with you and I will ALWAYS stand with you. I am furious with our government. I am furious with how corrupt the United States is. We are all peacefully protesting. The ones that are turning it violent are the cops- not us. Luckily, my city was able to have a very successful, peaceful protest. Black lives fucking matter. I will not stop fighting until every black individual that was wrongly killed, lynched, and attacked gets their rightfully deserved justice.

Because of this, I do not know when I will update next. I'm also working now, I have a job. So that's great. I will try to write what I can, but please understand that everything is hard right now.