Evanesce ||GerAme||Angst & Fluff||

Façade- Alfred(TW)

He was at it again. In his room, staring up at the ceiling as his breathing normalized.

In for four.

Hold for five.

Out for seven.

Hold for eight, repeat.

This had become a daily routine after being called out for his nonsensical ideas during the meetings or just being dismissed and blocked from getting an actual idea out onto the table. What the other didn't know is how this actually affected him, causing pure anxiety to take control and pilot his every move, bringing him the place of comfort: his room, or when things are particularly bad: the small comfort of remembering of what it feels like to be alive. That pain that you feel like you can't show anyone because they just wouldn't understand. The only thing that he thought could understand him was a small blade that belonged to a casual pencil sharpener. That is the last place anyone would suspect, right? Today, unfortunately, was one of those days. The breathing exercises stopped working a while ago so after attempting the breathing for the last time, he just gave up and went straight to his desk.

"I mean, no one does care so it doesn't really matter what I do to myself." Alfred's eyes moistened, grabbing the small screwdriver from his desk drawer and the pencil sharpener that sat upon a stack of papers next to some pencils. 

Alfred took off his jacket, along with the hoodie he had underneath. He knew how to hide them, not one person knew what he would do to himself. Scars and newer fresh wounds just above the sleeve line on his shoulders. Of course, the pain hurt, be after a while Alfred got used to it, slowly pressing the blade into his skin and dragging it across multiple times, allowing the blood to start budding from the small slices. Tears finally started to flow down Alfred's cheeks. He was tired. Just so tired. "When will this all end?" he thought as silent sobs escaped his lips. 

Alfred soon slumped back over to his desk, placing everything back in their proper places, making it seem as nothing had happened at all. Grabbing some hand sanitizer on his night-stand, he squeezed some into his hands and quickly cleaned his cuts, making sure they don't get infected. He may want to die, but definitely not through disease.

He flopped upon his bed, closing his eyes as he cried himself to sleep, curled up in fetal position.

-time skip to the morning-

Alfred awoke to the light peering in through the crack in his curtains. He smiled. He's always liked the sun. It made him feel warm, wanted, and not so alone in this vast open world. Alfred smiled, knowing that soon he wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. Wasn't death the beginning of that life he truly wanted? He sighed, grabbing his glasses and looking at his phone. Realizing the time, Alfred jumped out of bed and threw on the same clothes he wore the day previous, not really caring if they were clean or not. He always had some sort of masculine fragrance to hide it if they didn't smell the cleanest. Not like any of this would matter soon. Just a few more days. Only a few more days of keeping up his broken mask to fool the world into thinking that he was just a bubbly idiotic nation that wasted space.

He dashed out of the house and hopped into his car, not even bothering to grab something to eat due to him already being behind schedule. Unlike what it appeared, Alfred hated being late. He'd actually prefer being an hour early, however, depression can cause many things to change. He absolutely hates being late, bit at this point, does it really matter? The drive there seemed to end faster than usual, not allowing him to mentally prepare for his own personal hell called "World Conferences". With every step, it seemed as if the doorways to each new area kept traveling farther and farther away. Alfred didn't even realize the person next to him, asking if he was okay until he felt a small tap on his shoulder, seeing Ludwig right there beside him. 

"Are you alright, Alfred?" 

Alfred felt the warm gaze from the other, "Yeah! I'm fine! The hero always knows what to do amiright?" There it is, that damn mask, the false persona.

Ludwig could always tell that there was something wrong with Alfred, it was like he was hiding a dark secret that he didn't want anyone to know, "Um, yeah..sure. We should probably take our seats now. The meeting is about to begin. If there is anything wrong, please do not hesitate to tell me."

He watched as Alfred lazily sauntered over to his assigned seat, directly across from himself. Ludwig began to think, "There is something wrong with him...I hate seeing him like that. I know, because I've been there before."

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A/N 

So I hope that you all liked this first chapter. It's currently two in the morning and not even tired at all. As someone who does suffer from severe anxiety and depression, I do know what it is like to feel as if you are alone and all of those negative thoughts floating around your head. It really is hard, however, with medication, I'm currently doing a lot better than I was just about a month ago. Back in October, I was actually hospitalized due to a suicide attempt. I was in there for a week and I hated my whole entire time there. However, I did learn some things that have stuck with me all this way. 

All in all, if you are suffering, please know that you are not alone. This is not your final chapter in your life, you can't just stop the story there. There is always help, even if it doesn't seem like it. If anyone needs to talk to someone, I am always here to listen. Feel free to hit me up, if it means helping the next future celebrity or billionaire, so be it. I want to see you become the person that you have always dreamt of being. Please stay, so many more people love and care about you than you think.