you found me//Destiel

one

Dean could remember it clearly. It replayed in his head like a broken record. Over and over. No matter what he couldn't get it out of his head. He was postive he never would. Getting drunk didn't take the pain away and neither did sleep, because it was all he dreamt about. An echo on repeat. It was his fault too. He blamed himself. He should've tried harder. Done more.

To Dean, it felt wrong for Angel's to die. They shouldn't be able to, not his Cas. So unholy. So wrong. It just wasn't right and it never would set right with him. Sure, Dean's experienced loved ones die before, hell he's seen Cas die before. But this time felt too real. This time he had this sick feeling pitted in his gut telling him Castiel wasn't coming back this time. It ate away at him and some nights he wasn't sure he could deal with it. Some nights he sat on his bed, holding a gun in his right hand and a beer bottle in his left.

Ever since that night he hasn't hunted. Sammy continues to do so, because he's strong and brave. Everything his big brother couldn't be at the moment. Sam understood though. Castiel meant a lot to Dean and he won't ever just get over it. You don't just get over loved ones deaths. They leave permanent damage. The loss cuts deep and leaves tender scars on your heart like rose thorns that cut too deep. It wrecks you mentally and physically, tiring down your body until you can't even get out of bed.

So Sam let Dean mourn as he continued on. He didn't mind. Sam just hated seeing Dean so torn up. He never has seen him like this, ever. Not this bad. Dean didn't leave his room much either. Only to go to the bathroom, not even to eat or get some fresh air. Sam had to bring him water and food, sat there with him to make sure he at least ate a little bit. It was pitiful to even look at, to watch Dean spiral into nothing.

It was currently a Saturday, an exact month since Castiel had passed. Sam was out on a hunt and Dean was sleeping. He had been for a good 13 hours. Depression does that to you sometimes. He couldn't help it. Dean woke up from a nightmare- no it wasn't a nightmare. A memory of what happened. He cried, clutching his chest that hurt so bitterly with lose. "Cas, buddy. If you can hear me, I don't know if Angel's go to heaven too when they die or what but, I miss you man. I need you, Sam and I need you. I've lost too much and you were the final straw. I'm lost without you, Come home." Dean said loudly, his voice cracking with hurt and dehydration. He couldn't remember the last time he actually drank water now that he thinks about it. Beers a liquid though.

Dean left to actually go get water, only because his head was spinning so fast he was surpised he wasn't vomiting everywhere. As he was drinking his 3rd glass of water, something changed. He didn't know what did but something in the world shifted and he felt it. Is an earthquake happening or is he on crack? Dean shrugged it off as he put down the glass, jumping as his phone rang. Sam. "Hi Sammy." Dean says softly, and Sam was just relieved to hear Dean's voice. Anytime he left he knew there was a risk of Dean doing something stupid. Stupid beyond repair. "Dean, I'm on my way home. Turns out this case wasn't our type of thing. Just some sicko with blood lust. Police got him." Sam says and Dean sighed with a nod.

He hated that Sam was hunting without him. What if his baby brother got hurt and he wasn't there to help? Dean wished he had the drive to start hunting again. He wanted to but everything just hurt, reminded him of his loss. "I got out of bed today. I'm drinking water in the kitchen right now." Dean says, almost proud of himself. Sam sure as hell loved to hear it. "Really? Dean that's great. I'm proud of you." Sam says genuinely and in his whole life, those are the words he longed to hear. To have someone prideful in something he's done.

"Thank you Sammy." Dean says, the softness in his voice made him sound so small and vulnerable. Like a kid again. "I'm an hour away, when we get home it would be nice to spend some time together Dean. It doesn't have to do with hunting. Pick out a movie or a game for us to play. It'll do you good to stay out and about for a bit." Sam says and Dean nodded. Although Dean didn't want to, nothing personal just simply he didn't wanna leave his bed for too long. But he wanted to do it solely because he knows his little brother needs him. Dean hasn't been there for him at all since Castiel.. left. It wasn't fair for Sam to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders.