perfect idol. || j.hs.

ix

every single brand new day was just another 16 hours full of pain and torture for hoseok. when he wouldn't eat, he would pass out at practice. when he would eat, he would cry a river while purging everything he just ate... and then pass out at practice again.

he barely ate. the most he had per day were 100 calories, and the least were 0. the calories rarely even came from the food, they came from the milk in his coffee or sugar in his tea. but when it did come from food, he would have half of a sandwich right before practice so he would have atleast some energy.

on the days when he consumed nothing but water or green tea he felt so much pride and self hatred towards himself. pride because he wasn't eating, but self hatred because he was still fat.

the only emotions hoseok has been feeling were either anger or hate... towards himself. the rest were not emotions. he fell deeply into a spiral of severe depression and would spend most of his free days carving deeply into his skin with his precious little blade, observing how the blood would start gushing out slowely but surely, or sleep all day to make up for the tiredness he was feeling from lack of nutrition.

he was never happy with himself. since starting the diet, he hated himself more and more each day. he could see himself getting a bit thinner, but he still didn't like it. hoseok wanted to be that perfect idol everyone would admire. talented, beautiful and skinny.

he was often spending consecutive hours thinking about how he was making zero progress. all he got from it was pain. both mental and physical.

his brain was filled with insecurities. hoseok is insecure. he would find something new to hate about himself everyday when he would lift his shirt up for a body check.

his body was filled with cramps and aches. his head would hurt every single fucking day. he was mad at that for some reason. and let's not forget about the major pain his stomach suffered; it felt as if someone was stabbing it and rubbing the two walls togheter constantly. sometimes he would just feel major discomfort, to the point where it just turned into pain.

he made sure to take vitamins everyday. he didn't want his hair falling off or his skin peeling. of course, vitamins didn't help alot, but honestly, hoseok didn't care. he would refuse to eat in any case scenario, vitamins were the only option until he got skinny.

his acid reflux was very bad. he hated the taste in his mouth he got everyday, but stopped noticing it after eight days on the diet. he got used to it.

hoseok got tired of hearing the same stuff from his members. it was either "please eat", "why don't you eat", "you look depressed lately" and "you look ill. you're getting thin."

the words didn't phase him. he had something in his mind, and that was to lose weight fast. he had to achieve it, or else he would fail.

the voices in his head constantly reminded him how much of a failure he was, and how he should keep going. he would even ask jimin to call him fat or tell him to eat less so he could continue. jimin always said no, and told him he's perfect, but hoseok didn't buy any of it. he appreciated his lover's kind words, but he knew they weren't true.

he started hating food; hell, he started hating everything that contained calories. he loved the taste of food, but the number it contained was absolutely terrifying to him. he would chew very very slowely and in very little bites. he didn't want food. he didn't want calories.

hoseok's biggest fear is dissapointing. but now, hoseok's biggest fear is gaining weight.

"fuck me, hoseok, you're such a pussy for fuck's sake."