rotten thoughts

anxious

I feel like my life is flashing by
and all I can do is watch and cry

my dead eyes stare into yours.

you forget how to cry and hold it,
deep in your chest.

if the mind understands too much about reality, it wants to destroy itself. human life is existential horror.

I feel trapped in my own body.
I want to leave,
please let me out, this isn't me

the sadness will live forever.
- suicide note of vincent van gogh

the little girl
just could not sleep
because her thoughts
were way too deep
her mind had gone
out for a stroll
and fallen down
the rabbit hole

you ever just wanna hide your stupid face in someone's chest and sleep

all of a sudden, I get this overwhelming wave of self hatred, suddenly I hate my body even more than usually. every inch, my face, my voice, my smile, my laugh, my personality. I just want to disappear, because I can't stand to be myself.

you're barely running on enough energy to function and you don't know how to cope

you can't disappoint your family if you've never made them proud in the first place :)))))

I don't know how much more I can take

when a slight change in behavior makes you think they don't like you anymore and you know you're overreacting but you can't stop overreacting and you need constant reassurance every 5 minutes but you know you're annoying as fuck and you fight yourself in your head asking why tf am i like this

brain: you're a horrible, worthless, garbage person and your life is going nowhere but to hell
me: I don't know what the fuck you expect me to do about that at 11pm, my dude

I hate that I flinch whenever anyone raises their voice even a little bit
I hate that I panic when anyone even pretends to be angry
I hate that my heart races when someone so much as frowns at me
I hate it I hate it I hate it

sometimes I wish I looked more fragile and feminine like a dainty flower but I do enjoy looking like I hate everyone

*someone doesn't message me back*
me: this is ok I'm ok
anxiety: they hate you
me: what n-
anxiety: they :) hate :) you :) you're :) annoying :)

fuck me gently with a chainsaw.