Untouchable

Chapter 25

Louis' POV

Waking up wasn't particularly pleasant. Harry was pressed against my back and so was his very obvious morning wood. Out of curiosity, I rocked back. He whined, his breath hot against my ear.
Nope, I decided, I was definetely not okay with it. His dick against my arse made me incredibly uncomfortable.
I crawled out of bed, carefully removing myself from his grip.
I went downstairs and made myself some tea, leaving the kettle on for when Harry got up.
I hated the fact that I couldn't be normal, that I was afraid of sex. It was a rational fear and besides, Eleanor and I had waited nearly a year until our first time together. I didn't understand why it seemed so important this time.
I took my medication, making a face to myself. I really didn't like it all that much, but as far as I was concerned, they were keeping me from going insane like I had been. There was more to it, I knew that, but they helped.
I texted Zayn and made plans with him. I knew that Harry was planning on going back to Felix's and I really hated being alone. I was afraid of what it could do to me.
Harry finally came down after a while, giving me a kiss good morning.
"Woke up and you were gone," he said sleepily.
I shrugged.
"I was up for a while. You know how I get sometimes. I got bored," I lied.
Harry nodded, accepting the excuse.
He curled up next to me on the sofa and laid his head on my shoulder. I scratched at his hair and he hummed happily.
"You okay? You were really upset last night," he finally said.
I'd known it was coming. A flicker of heat stirred in my stomach, angry.
"Yeah, I think so. I just. I didn't really think about the fact that I'm coming out to the boys too and I didn't really think it bothered me that much but Liam was being such a prick and it just...it was really shitty. It made me feel like he wasn't okay with me not being straight," I mumbled.
"Louis, of course he is. He's okay with me, isn't he? He knows he overreacted. He just wants what's best for us," Harry said.
I sighed, "I know. It's okay, I think."
"You had to use your extra anxiety pills," he pointed out.
"Yeah. It just got to be a lot all of a sudden. It's not like I'm afraid of my sexuality or of you. No matter how okay with myself I am, there's always a little part that's afraid that people won't accept that, you know? And Liam said he didn't approve and I just kind of lost it," I said.
"Lou," Harry sighed, reaching for my hand, "I don't have to leave today if you need me around."
"No. It's okay. I'm spending today with Zayn anyways. Um. I guess I don't know, how are the others with this? They aren't upset, are they?" I asked.
"Oh, God, no. Niall loves it and apparently he and Zayn made a bet on when we would officially get together. They're really happy for us," Harry said.
I felt incredibly relieved.
"Give Liam a few days. It's a lot to process," he said.
"Why aren't Niall and Zayn having trouble then? It's not fair," I mumbled.
"Because they already saw it coming. It was a surprise to Liam," he explained.
"Why can't you just be mad too? Why do you have to be so pleasant and understanding?" I grumbled.
"Lou," he laughed, "I'm not happy that he was mean to you. I'm mad too. But I can see where he's coming from and I want everyone to get along."
I couldn't help but smile. His laugh was infectious.
"By the way, was that tea in the kitchen for me?" Harry asked.
"Yes. Unless I suddenly decide I want it," I said.
Harry scrambled off of my lap and darted for the kitchen. I watched him go.
He came back looking pleased with himself and sat down again, wrapping his foot around my ankle.
"Very touchy this morning," I commented.
He shrugged.
"I'm just happy," he said.
"Stop being happy," I commanded, but when I kissed him, I was smiling.
"You're so weird," he said, "And I mean it in the most affectionate way possible."
I shrugged, leaning over and biting his shoulder.
It was quiet for a while and it was nice. I always liked a good cuddle and Harry was exceptionally good at it. His fingers traced patterns on my leg and it was soothing.
"This is a little weird, but Niall wanted to know if sex jokes are okay," he said.
"Oh," I said.
"I told him it was up to you," he added, "But as of right now, there's not much to joke about."
I felt my face heat up.
"I mean, sure, I guess," I mumbled.
"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," he said gently.
"Like you said, there's not much to joke about," I said.
"So, no?" Harry asked.
"No. I guess it's okay," I said.
"Louis if you're not comfortable-" he started.
"It's not that. It's just like. I hate being reminded that I'm not normal and I can't give you what you want. You were hard this morning when I woke up and I got up because I didn't like it," I admitted, "Well. I did. But I didn't. It's complicated."
Harry stared at me.
"Jesus fuck," he muttered.
I shifted away from him, pressing myself against the arm of the sofa as much as I could.
"Louis, I don't- I don't know what I can say to make you understand, you know? Even if this were a normal relationship, we probably wouldn't have done anything yet, hell, we probably wouldn't be together as much as we are and sleep together almost every night! I understand, Louis. I don't know if I'd be ready even if you were. I don't know if I want it yet. I mean, I do, of course I do. I love you more than anything and you're bloody fit- I probably know all of our lookalike porn better than most of our fans and I've been wanking to the thought of you since I was sixteen- but what I'm trying to get at is that I don't care if you're never ready because I won't want it until you want it. There's nothing sexy about trying to have sex with you and knowing that you don't know if want it, okay? I'm comfortable with what you're comfortable with," he said.
I didn't reply immediatly. I didn't know if I could, not around the massive lump in my throat.
"Lou?" Harry asked, looking concerned.
And of bloody course I started to cry, all but throwing myself at him.
"Louis," he sighed, pulling me tight against him.
It was undescribable, how much I loved him. He seemed to always know what to do and say and it threw me off because I had no idea how to respond. Harry knew me well but sometimes I wondered if maybe he couldn't read my mind.
He let me stay in his lap for a while until I calmed down. I didn't have any plans on going anywhere after that, though. He was warm and comfortable.
"You okay?" he asked.
I nodded.
"Kind of happy tears," I mumbled, "Not totally, but. Kind of."
"I love you," he said, stroking my back.
"I love you too. Lots," I said.
"You know I'll never, ever do anything to you that I'm not 100% certain you want me to do. I won't ever hurt you or touch you where you don't want me to touch of make you do something you aren't comfortable with. I swear, Louis, if you're never comfortable with anything more than this, I'm perfectly content," Harry murmured, his voice quiet and soothing.
I bit down on my lip to keep myself from crying again.
"You're perfect," I sniffed, "Really. I want to do so much with you but I just can't, you know?"
"I know," he said quietly.
We spent most of the day like that, curled together on the sofa. We made fun of shows on the television and spent the majority of them just lazily kissing each other.
At one point his fingers dipped below the hem of my pants, just barely, and I shivered, not entirely in a bad way. He immediatly moved his hand once he realized and I was a little torn on how I felt about it.
It was the middle of Keeping Up With the Kardashians- I had no idea why it was on, but I was too absorbed in Harry to really notice- when I felt him starting to get hard against my hip.
"Sorry, sorry," he muttered, moving to get off of me.
"No," I said quickly, "Um. Like this."
I shifted slightly and pulled him down so his hips were pressed tight against my thigh.
He stared at me, his eyes wide.
"Seriously?" he asked, "Lou, no. You're not..."
I shook my head.
"Let me at least do this," I said, "It's not...I don't think it's too much. Not like this."
"You'll tell me to stop if it gets too much," Harry said, his voice low.
In lieu of a response, I shifted my thigh upwards and he closed his eyes for a moment.
"You'll tell me to stop if it gets too much," Harry repeated, his hands coming down on my waist to keep me from moving.
"Yes, yes, fine Harry, just come on," I said quickly.
I thought I would be okay with it. I wasn't naked and neither was he. He wasn't touching me anywhere I didn't want to be touched and I could control it, to an extent. I needed to do something for him. I couldn't explain why and I knew he wouldn't understand, but I just had to.
Harry nodded, his eyes dark with something I hadn't seen before.
"God, I love you," he muttered, and his hips finally started to move, rocking downwards in slow, drawn-out movements.
He tucked his face into my neck and held himself up on his elbows, braced on either side of my chest. His breath was hot and quick on my skin and I shut my eyes, digging my fingers into his back.
It felt good, was the thing. I hated how I couldn't help but get hard too; it would be weird if I hadn't, with the pressure of his body.
"Lou," he said quietly, his voice low and hushed, "Lou, this is so ridiculous but I'm so close, is that okay?"
I blinked.
"Thought your stamina would be a bit better," I said, joking weakly.
"God, so did I, but...fuck all it is is me humping your leg like a fucking animal and it feels so good and I can't imagine how everything else-" he said quickly.
I knew the second he started to come. His teeth sank into my neck in an effort to keep himself quiet and his body shook with it. Still, little noises slipped past his mouth and I pulled him up to kiss me.
"Fuck," he whispered, pulling away after a little while, "Are you okay?"
I nodded.
I wasn't entirely sure if I was, but at the moment I wasn't having a mental breakdown, so I deemed myself alright.
"You're-" he said.
I nodded again.
"Let me suck you off," he said suddenly, almost pleading, "Lou, I really want to, let me suck you off."
"No," I said, shoving him away, "Absolutely not."
Harry made a face.
"Why not? Please, I want to. I can't stop thinking about it, I'd make it so good for you," he said.
"I won't let you do that. It's disgusting and it hurts and you've never done it before, Harry, you don't know what it's like. Absolutely not," I snapped.
"Louis," he said gently, "Okay. I won't. Can't I do anything? I just want to make it good for you too."
"I'm fine," I said shortly.
"Okay," he said slowly, "Can I kiss you?"
I thought about it.
"Go change first," I said quietly, "I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
He nodded.
I used the time without him to really think about it. My head was an absolute mess and my throat started to ache. For the first time in a while, I felt myself wanting a drink. I thought that it might be easier to think with one.
Before I could put anymore thought into it, Harry's hand was resting on my shoulder and he climbed over the back of the couch to sit next to me.
"You could have walked around," I said.
"Yeah," he agreed.
"You climbed over anyways," I said.
"Yeah," he agreed.
Harry put his head on my shoulder and grabbed my hand.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"I think so," I said honestly.
"What do you mean, you think so?" he asked.
"I don't know what I mean. I'm fine right now and I can't imagine that I'll be any less fine ten minutes from now. It's just different," I said.
"I just want you to be okay," Harry said quietly.
"I want me to be okay too. And I think I am," I said.
"Do you need me to leave tonight or do you need me to stay or what?" he asked.
I shrugged.
"You were going to leave, weren't you?" I asked.
"Yeah. But if you want me to stay, I will," Harry replied and I knew he meant it.
"H, you're never there anymore. You should leave if you want. Felix deserves your company too," I said, "You're a pretty decent guy. You have to spread the love."
He smiled.
"I just don't want to leave you alone if you're not okay, you know? Like I know you're saying you're okay but I never really know with you," he said.
"Harry, all you did was dry-hump my leg for like five minutes. I'm fine. I can take a little bit more than you think I can," I said.
He huffed against my collarbone and I squirmed when it tickled.
"If it helps, you've got a very nice leg," Harry said.
I laughed.
"Good thing," I said.
"Not to be a hormonal teenager, but would you be okay if that happened again?" he asked.
I snorted, "Yes. For now. Maybe we'll progress to actually taking some clothes off eventually, like ten years from now."
"Don't be so hard on yourself," he said.
"I'm not. It was a joke," I said, but I had to admit that it was a little bit self-deprecating.
Harry shrugged.
"I don't want to bring up any sore subjects but when I asked to suck you off," he said slowly.
"You and I think about things differently. You might think it's hot. I don't. I think it's disgusting and scary, to be honest," I said shortly.
"Lou, you had a bad experience," Harry protested.
"And I'm not about to let you have one," I said, "You don't know what it's like. Not like you ever gave Taylor Swift a blowjob."
Her name brought back unpleasant memories.
Harry stiffened and I had to ask, "When you told me you had sex with her. Were you serious or did you just say it to make me angry?"
He sat up and dropped my hand. I knew the answer before he even said it.
"Yeah. I did. A bunch of times, actually. It was- it was a distraction, Lou. I knew I wasn't going to last a lot longer if I kept on the way I was, and I needed something to keep me from hurting quite so much. And she worked. Granted, when she figured it out, she wasn't happy, but it worked for a while," he said.
He sounded the way a dog looks when it gets caught doing something it shouldn't- ashamed.
"Um. I'm still clean, if it helps," Harry added quickly, like it even mattered, "We used condoms obviously, but I still get tested. Just, you know, just in case."
I nodded, trying hard not to be endeared.
"I never. It never meant anything, not to me. I, um. I'd have to think of you to even get it up, actually. I hated it. But she was there," he added weakly.
"And I wasn't," I finished.
"Yeah," he said, "You know I. Like, you know I don't blame you, right?"
"There's a whole lot of things to blame me for. You've got to be more specific," I said.
Harry sighed and wrapped his arm around me.
"None of it," he said.
I had to laugh. I genuinely laughed.
"Bullshit, Harry," I said, "You can't honestly say I did nothing wrong. I know you might think that I'm some perfectly innocent angel or something, but think about it."
He made a face.
"No, really," he said.
"Harry. Seriously? Do you not remember how much shit I said to you? I was an absolute twat sometimes, you can't honestly say that I wasn't," I said.
It was almost comical.
Harry didn't say anything and I struggled not to slap him.
"You're killing me," I groaned.
He shrugged and the bastard was grinning, for the love of God.
"I won't kiss you for the rest of the day," I threatened.
"That would be just as much of a punishment to you as it would be to me," Harry pointed out.
The dimples were out full-force. He was insufferable.
"God, I fucking love you and I've got no idea why," I said, leaning over and biting his ear.
He swatted me away.
"Ow, that hurt, you twat," he grumbled, pouting at me.
So of course I bit his lip too.
"What are you, some kind of vampire?" he asked.
I bared my teeth at him.
"Come here," he laughed, pulling me on to his lap.
I almost kneed him when I went to straddle him, but he flinched out of the way in time.
"If you get hard, Styles, I'll rip your dick off," I threatened, "It's hardly been ten minutes."
Harry rolled his eyes.
"Depends. If you're planning on playing dirty then I'm probably going to get hard. Teenage libido," he said, and then added as an afterthought, "Tomlinson."
"Dirty," I repeated.
"Yeah," he said, his hands resting on my lower back.
"I'm fuckin' squeaky-clean," I said, making to slap him.
I just ended up lightly patting his cheek and getting caught up in the way his jawline felt against my fingertips.
"Of course," Harry agreed, and I felt the vibrations of his laugh when I moved my fingers down to his throat.
I smiled.
"What?" he asked.
I shrugged.
"You're rather pretty, you know?" I said.
He blinked. And then a smile spread over his face.
"Yeah. Not quite so much as you, though. I've got the prettiest in all the world," Harry said.
I grinned.
"Better make it in all the universe if you ever want to kiss me," I said.
"Really, though. Are we going anywhere with this bit of banter or what? I've got places to go, people to see. Come on, Tommo. I didn't take you for one to be such a bloody tease," Harry said.
"Oh, come off of it. You know I'm the biggest fucking tease there is," I said, "Who've you got to see that's better than me, anyhow?"
I pulled on his hair when he took too long to reply. Which really was only a second or so, but. It was still too long.
"You know I love it rough," he said.
I laughed.
"Baby, I'll fuck you up," I snorted.
Harry didn't have much else to say to that, just mumbled a quick, "God, I love you," and pulled me down with a hand on the back of my neck to kiss me.
It was a short kiss, all things considered, but dirty nonetheless.
His eyes were dark when I pulled back and his hand tightened on my hip.
"I don't want to know what you're thinking," I said drily.
"You probably already know," Harry said easily, nosing at my neck and biting down quickly, "You spread out on the bed, in the shower, against the wall, god, and if we couldn't make it to bed, it'd be on the floor."
I swallowed hard and felt myself flush, my face heating up.
"You can't just say that," I snapped.
"I just did," he said, kissing along the line of my throat.
"You make me want so much," I said quietly, half-hoping he wouldn't hear.
"Yeah?" Harry asked, because of course he had.
"A lot more than I can do," I admitted as his fingers slipped up the back of my shirt.
"That's fine," he said.
"You don't understand," I huffed, "Come on, big boy, you've got to get to Felix's."
I batted his wandering hands away and removed myself from his lap. It was amazing, how much more confident Harry was getting. Sometimes he would still hesitate before kissing or touching me, but those times were becoming fewer and further between.
He pouted at me.
I raised my eyebrows.
"You would know I'm big," Harry finally said.
I swatted him and he laughed.