Untouchable

Chapter 31

**MAJOR TW AT THE END**
*ALSO VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS AT THE END!!!!*
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Harry's POV

It went on like that for a while.

It was heartbreaking to watch Louis suffer through anxiety attacks every night before he went out onstage. I knew it couldn't have been enjoyable for him- obviously not- but he refused to sit out a single show. I couldn't help but wonder what all the stress would do to him long-term. It wasn't healthy for him to be so anxious all of the time and I was terrified that he would find unhealthy habits to cope. He admitted that before every show, all he could think about was going out for a drink.

The only benefit was that by the time the shows ended and we got back to the hotel we were staying at on a particular night, Louis would be so exhausted that he'd sleep the whole night through.

Our tour schedule was so that we would have two or three concerts and then have a few days for ourselves. There were longer breaks scattered in between. We'd asked for more time off so that it wouldn't be quite so stressful for Louis and I. It was mostly for Louis, but nobody said it out loud. I was fine, really. I loved to perform and see all of our fans. I had missed being onstage during our hiatus. The only thing that I didn't like about performing was worrying about Louis the entire show. I always had my eye on him, making sure that he was dealing with being onstage in front of thousands of strangers alright.

It never really got any better. Louis woke up in the mornings irritable and stressed and stayed like that until a few hours before the show. There was always a very definitive point where he would start getting scared. He would gradually stop talking to people and start clinging more to me. As time passed, he would start getting pale and sweaty and that was when I knew that the only things he could think about were Ben and getting drunk. Sound checks normally went alright. He'd do what he had to or what he was told to, but nothing more or less.

It got bad when Louis realized there was less than an hour before the show.

Every time he looked at his watch and saw how quickly time was ticking down, he'd disappear and I would almost always find him getting sick in the closest toilet. The only exception was one night when he had been more okay than I'd ever seen him. He was still scared out of his mind, but he never got sick or dizzy like he normally would. I never could figure out what was different about that night, and I hated that I couldn't. If I could make it even just slightly easier on Louis, then I would do anything.

By the time the show was just about to start, Louis would have a full-blown panic attack. It was difficult to get him out of them and breathing and functioning properly because there was no way that I could convince him that he would be okay. I couldn't remove him from the situation because he refused and I couldn't promise him that Ben wasn't out there somewhere. Liam, Niall and I had spent a few hours on the internet searching ways to help Louis calm down but I didn't want to have to help him calm down. I wanted him to never have to worry about anything in the first place.

Once we were actually onstage, he would get better. He was never completely comfortable. I would watch him nervously scan the audience every time he got a chance. I prayed that, even though I hated Ben and thought the worst of him, he was a decent enough guy to stay far away from our shows.

It was putting a serious strain on our relationship and it made me feel sick.

It was exhausting for him to be so stressed and anxious all the time and it was exhausting for me to deal with it. I loved Louis more than I had ever thought was physically possible to love somebody, but there were days when he would say nothing nice at all, not even to me. I hated the way that he snapped at everyone- including me. I fully understood why, and I supported him and loved him no matter what, but days passed without any form of affection from him. There was little to remind me that I was even dating him in the first place during the day. We slept in the same bed at night, but that was about as much contact as we would have all day.