being stuck in your own head normally isn't the worst thing in the world, but every now and then i get so painfully aware that i will never be able to turn off the voice in my brain.
i think. a lot. recently i've been thinking deeply. i miss her. i cant have her back right now. maybe ever. the uncertainty of the future feels suffocating. i'm not sure what to do other than distract myself from the present. it's been easy for the past 6 months, but sometimes i slip up and live in the present a bit too much.
there's also a dull pain around my body. it starts in the back of my neck and runs down to my thighs, stopping in the middle to part ways down my arms and to my fingers. it's like a tingly numbness and almost aches but not quite. i feel like i need to rip out of my skin.
sometimes i wish i wasn't me. but doesn't everyone? or maybe i wish i was me without the paralyzing anxiety. without the derealization. without the dark thoughts that i can sometimes outrun but not all the time. but then again they make me who i am. so i don't know. do i even like who i am?
i want to walk. i want to walk a really long time without anyone looking at me or talking to me or asking where i am. i just want to walk. i want to see where i end up. i know where i would end up, though. it will always be the places where i know her ghost will still linger.
i cant picture things in my head. at least not regularly. you know that weird apple thing where you try to picture an apple in your mind? i cant do it. i see darkness. but when i think of her it's different. i can see her in full brightness. her smile is radiant and her laugh is beautiful. her touch is warm and soft and loving. i don't want to imagine it anymore. i want it back.
i wish i could meet her at the creek again. i keep imagining i'll walk down there and she will somehow feel that she needs to go down there as well. maybe we will meet each other there and things will be fixed between us. maybe not. that's the scariest part. her not wanting to be with me. that's when i'll be stuck. i don't think i can love anyone else with the same intensity.
