Maria

Chapter 4

Look away little birdie
I don't want to let you go
You are too frail and scruffy
So little and yet so much to show
I want you to bloom with me
So stay and don't fly away
Without you, I may cry and be left astray
The sun will meet your eyes again
Until then, don't take my childhood in the end

The room was seeping in the cold air through the cracks of the window. I cradle my body, trying to keep warmth in the burning frost at the tip of my hands. My shoulders felt tense from the hollow and darkened room with the fears of monstrous creatures lurking in the corners, watching me. The lamp post light shined in a dim and dull beam, leaving me still.

I saw the shadows from the closet loom over the mirror. I saw a tiny girl staring at me on the other side of the room. The drawings on the walls suddenly became ripped hands, streaming towards my head. And the ringing started to seem like screaming.

It's closing in, leaving me shaken and crushed. Space is becoming smaller and I can feel my lungs losing air.

Shrinking and shrinking...

Crunching and crunching...

I started gasping for air, choking on the flooded room of emptiness. But it wasn't empty. All the little dangers are crawling, scavenging, searching for the flesh and tendons of a little girl.

I held my blanket close to me. I am fine. There is nothing. There is nothing. There is nothing...

I am home. I am being cradled by a loving mother, yes.

I closed my eyes tighter. I have a father who said good night after reading me a story. I had got to play with my sisters... Like playing... something...

And my mom was next to me, saying... something like...
Oh, my mom is saying, "Sweet dreams." And she would kiss my head

And in that world, I still had my toys. I could have nicely done green walls. Everyone had known I was there and was there for me.

A part of me really believed in it. It was hard to think about what I wanted. Cause I am okay and I am living.

I realized how I relaxed into my little world when I felt a frown come from the emptiness, churning my stomach.

When imagining something so... nice, I can't help but just lose all meaning in it when you realize, it's not yours.

No, get these thoughts out. Shut up, brain. Everything is fine. Just realize it, I just need to rattle my brain and it'll go away.

The night grew darker, but outside the door, light shined brighter. Across from there, the streetlight turned everything orange. And the orange was not taunting them out there. But I can't be there. Yeah, I am not out there.

Be quiet, be still, don't let them know you are here.

But I am...

No, no. You can't be up like them.

But I don't want to be alone. Can't I wait for them?

Staring at that line of light, it was my barrier. And I waited. And waited. And kept going, until the light was not as visible from the dawn's sky.

I shouldn't miss them as I do now. This is stupid. This
is embarrassing. I furiously looked, trying to keep down the sudden urge to cry. My eyes feel like they're pulsing and pressuring me, taunting them with a rainy shine.

But I can't show I'm mad. I shouldn't be mad.

Quietly rising to my feet, I lightly stepped over the floorboards.

Follow the trails of lines, tap slowly, walking shyly. And never rest the weight at the balls of your feet on the ends. The floor would yell at you for being rude. And father would help the floorboards punish you.

Take the lead, stop wobbling, waddle feet.

The cold wooden panels were so smooth as I glide my feet softly down the lines, the loud bumps of my heart, aching at the ends. The dark and coldness make my hollow head feel like everything is spinning.

The closet has a tall murderous man. The bed has an oddly sitting pale girl, staring at the pillow. The window sees the skinless monster, staring with a gaping hole for an eye into my fear.

I look all around. To the right, the man, to the left, that girl, and to the right, that monster at the corner. My head wandered all over and I felt a heavy wave push me to the side. I felt exhausted...

I take a step to balance myself out, stepping onto the right with my left leg. I didn't fall, but I grabbed my metal bed's railing. Everything felt insane, shaky, and uneven.

I look around, feeling those things staring at me. But they couldn't even see me, not having eyes. What am I doing?

They're not real. They're not here. How could I be worried?

Even with those thoughts, I couldn't reason out my thought on checking for my sibling. That urge to see them...

I am already facing my bed anyway. So my arm just held my weight to bring myself to get back. I walk back, finding my way to the other half of the room pointless.

It was so stupid, all for nothing. I am stupid.

I sat back down, feeling the weight of my back sink over, making my head lay low.

Those things still feel as though they're here. If I just welcome them, maybe I wouldn't feel so terrible. I lay down, no longer covering my face.

I held my arms out and pretended to hug one of them.

If they wanted to be here, they could just hug me to sleep.

My fear slowly freed its grip on my head and my head felt lighter. But that lingering sadness hung my shoulders, feeling as though those things give me more attention than my family.

I just held on to my blanket and silently cried to sleep. I had to get up later for school anyway.