Struggling but Surviving

Notification

My phone buzzes with the sound for a new message.

I hope it's him! I've been wanting to talk to him all day.
My stomach flutters as the anticipation that it might be him, starts to overcome me.
I turn over the phone expecting to see "Crush"  in my notifications.

Instead I'm greeted with a name from my past.

The butterflies race in my stomach.

I realize they're no longer good butterflies. They're butterflies full of fear and anxiety.

What does he want?? Why is he texting me?

My mind races.

I don't even bother to open it until fifteen excruciating minutes pass.

Even that doesn't feel like a long enough time.

One simple word is written out.

Hey.

Hi doesn't seem like enough but yet it seems to much at the same time.

Hi.

A simple exchange happens like how two old friends would greet each other.

A certain longing grows in my tummy. This longing is the desire for him.
It simply had never gone away.

Maybe faded but never fully gone.

As I enjoy an old reminisce of what once was my phone buzzes yet again with a new notification.

"Crush"

Oh.
That's right.
I'm talking to someone.

Suddenly my mind is filled with guilt.

My "Crush" doesn't know about this guy.
I mean why should he? They're from two different worlds.

The guilt builds.

And builds.

And builds.

Until I can't take it.

I shut my phone off completely, hoping that'll cure some part of my guilt.

It doesn't.

Instead it manifests into something greater in my head. Suddenly the whole situation is out of hand.

I panic.

The panic doesn't stop. It's flooding my mind with overwhelming thoughts and feelings, and I feel as though I'm drowning.

Why? Why can't I let a situation not go overboard? Why does my mind constantly have to race?

And to think this all started with a notification.

M. Vasquez