Its almost a year after my heartbreak.
I cut all my communications with him. I don't know what he's doing now. Or even Charlotte. But I heard they got back together. Marupok! Joke lang.
I'm in college now. Meeting new people. May gustong manligaw. But I'm not up for a relationship now. I'm still healing.
One time, Clarisse asked me if I've forgiven him.
"Nanghingi ba ng tawad?" sagot ko sa kaibigan ko.
Alam ko na kailangan kong magpatawad, but now not. Galit ako, oo. The fact na hindi man lang niya ko kinausap after malaman ni Charlotte ang lahat. He was so sorry towards her, but not to me. That's why I'm angry. Ayaw ko ng isipin ang mga nangyari pero may mga pagkakataon or bagay na nakakapagpaalala sa akin sa nangyari. Kaya hindi ko maiwasang mainis.
Naglalakad ako sa mall ng masalubong ko si Joemar at Alvin at isang pa nilang kaibigan. We exchanged greetings at niyaya nila akong kumain. I agreed dahil gutom na rin ako.
"Ahmm, Vivianne. Ok lang ba. Papunta si Rafael dito. Sorry hindi kasi siya nagsabi agad na sasama sa amin. Late notice." si Joemar.
"Oo naman" masigla kong sagot.
Now, I'll see him again. Ipapakita ko sa kanya na matatag ako. Na parang walang nangyari.
Dumating si Rafael. Nagulat pa siya noong nakita ako. Umupo siya sa katapat ko na upuan. I smiled brightly. Showing him my perfectly white teeth.
"Oh hi Rafael. Long time no see"
Pilit itong ngumiti.
"Oo nga. Kamusta?"
Good. You asshole.
"Mabuti. Ikaw. Kayo, ni Charlotte?"
He looked shocked.
Bakit ha?!
"Ok naman ako." ngumiti ito.
Plastic! How can he look straight to me na parang wala siyanga kasalanan.
Throughout our lunch I was pissing him.
"Ay naku mga cheaters talaga." I made a side comment dahil sa usapan ni Alvin at ng isa nilang kaibigan na si Carl.
Nakayuko lamang si Rafael. Akala mo ha. May sasabihin pa ko.
"Have you experienced cheating Rafael?" He choked.
Buti nga sayo. Pero dahil mabait ako. Inabutan ko agad siya ng tubig.
"Oh my gosh are you ok?"
"O..oo" he said between his coughs.
Oh I'm so evil. But his worse!
Natapos na ang aming lunch at umuwi na rina ko. Leaving the three of them. Kinagabihan ay chinat ako ni Charlotte. Rafael told her na nagkita ulit kami. What a good dog. Telling his master everything.
Gusto daw ako makausap ni Rafael. Pumayag ako. So that my questions will be answered. He called, we talked.
"I'm sorry Vivianne" labas sa ilong.
"Why are you sorry?"
"Alam mo na diba."
Asshole. Admit your mistake.
"Sa nagawa ko."
"Ba't mo nagawa yun?"
"Hindi ko alam"
What an excuse!! Gagawa na lang ng alibi yung hindi pa katanggap tanggap!
"Really? Bat di mo alam?"
"Ewan ko. Basta, nangyari na lang."
Jerk.
"Please, patawarin mo na ako."
"I don't know."
"Ano bang gusto mong gawin ko?"
"A sincere apology"
"Kaya nga sorry diba."
What the! Napipilitan yata 'to.
"Nagsorry na ako sayo Vivianne. Bahala ka na."
Mura* mura* Animal. Anong klaseng sorry yan?!
"Ok if you say so. Sinasabi ko sayo. Walang kwenta yang sorry mo kung hindi sincere. Hindi kita pinilit magsorry. Nagkusa ka nga, di ko naman ramdam. Kaya wag mo na pilitin yang ginagawa mo. Napakaplastic mo."
He did not respond.
"Kahit hindi ko sabihin, alam ko namang you won't bother talking to me again. Live with the guilt. I am not accepting your so-called apology."
I hanged up.
And I was right. Hindi na nga siya ulit nagparamdam.
I did not know why he did that. Because wala siyang kwentang kausap. Ramdam ko sa phonecall namin. Walang gana makipag-usap. Kaya hindi ko na pinilit. I'll get over him. Eventually.
He was my first love and my first heartbreak. I cried over a person that fooled me. Pinaniwala niya ako na he loved me. And I know for sure, that he did not. My instinct told me. But its ok na naranasan ko iyon. Because it will serve as my lesson in the future. I am not closing my heart to love again. Its just, not now.
