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Chapter #03: Kenzo

Naramdaman kong may nakatingin saakin at ng humarap ako nakita ko ang isang babae na nakangiti saakin na para bang walang kahit na anong problema sa mundo ang makakapagpalungkot sakanya, binalik ko sakanya ang mga ngiti na yun para malaman niya na kahit wala na siya sa tabi ko ay magiging maayos ang lahat, na kakayanin ko na mabuhay sa mundo na ito.

Gusto kong tumakbo palapit sakaniya pero habang tinatahak ko ang daan papunta sakaniya tila ba lalong lumalayo ang agwat sa pagitan naming dalawa hanggang sa ang nakikita ko na lang ay ang isang malabong imahe niya na kumakaway saakin.

Dinilat ko ang mga mata ko at napansing halos paliguan na ako ng sarili kong pawis, agad ko iyong pinunasan at ininda.

Nang maalala ko ang panaginip ko hindi ko mawari kung isa ba iyong masaya o masakit na ala ala.

Napakahalaga saakin ng ate ko at matapos niyang mawala pakiramdam ko ay kalaban ko na ang buong mundo, pero tinuruan niya ako kung paano magpakatatag kaya kahit na mahirap alam ko na kakayanin ko ang lahat ng ito.

Pero hindi ibig sabihin non ay hindi ako nalulungkot sa pagkamatay ni ate, sadyang hindi ko lang masyadong dinadamdam dahil alam kong kasama ko parin siya sa laban ko, pero marami ang nagkakamali sa pagiisip, at iniisip nila na masaya pa ako sa pagkamatay ng ate ko at kasama na doon ang parents ko.

Kahit na ganon ang iniisip nila hindi ko iyon pinipilit baguhin, tinuruan ako ni ate na hindi ipilit sa iba ang gusto kong gawin at gusto kong maramdaman nila, dahil wala namang mangyayaring maganda.

Lumaki ako na hindi kinakailangan ng proteksyon at pagmamahal ng magulang, si ate lang sapat na, dahil doon natuto akong maging kuntento sa kung anong meron ako at hindi bigyan ng maraming oras ang mga nawala at mga mawawala pa saakin.

Marami akong kaibigan pero kahit na ganoon wala sakanila ang ituring kong totoong kaibigan dahil alam kong sa huli iiwan din naman nila ako.

I grew up not learning what true friendship really mean nor do I learn to care about other being except myself and my sister. For me they are just another people who will evetually leave so I don't need to attached myself to anyone.

My sister taught me that I shouldn't cry for something that isn't worth it, she taught me how the world is tough so I should be tough to. If not I won't be able to keep up.

I will be left behind by everyone.

Because of all that, anyone that I came in contact with whom I am being called as friends didn't actually gain high expectations from me, I always forsee what they would do.

Despite having so many 'friends' , Me, myself don't considered them as one.

They will eventually leave, so why bother?

If I lost someone or something I didn't really care much. The only person whom I can considered a loss is my sister.

The only thing that made me sad is my sister's death only, nothing else mattered.

I considered enyone as useless, I always find myself stopping whatever connection I can build with anyone, I always severe those ties, and humans being humans, if they didn't think that they can't actually form a connection they give up, they always do, it's easy for them to give up when they can't benefit from it anymore.

It's always been that easy.

And that's what makes my resolve even stronger, because noone is yet to prove to me that someone is really worth it to have a friendly connection with.

For me they are nothing but a sticker, if they are unable to stick into something, they became useless but when they are able to, it can easily be shaken off.