i think my mind is going to say "goodbye" and abandon me. it's weird, i know, but all in my brain screams "chaos".
almost 2 years ago i would have listened to music sad and cried a lot because i hate my life. it can be sound a little bit rude, but i don't know what to do with all of this. is for that what the life supposed to be? because if it's so, i don't wanna live my life like this way. i want to say i'm fine but actually i don't know, i think i am not. lately i've been thinkin about my feelings and the stupid person i am sometimes. i realized i am a mature person when i want to and i'm proud of this, but it won't serve of anything if i don't speak with my bestfriends and tell them how i feel and how i've been in the last 2 years.
the answer is easy and complicated at the same time. i had no real friends and i felt so bad because i didn't have anyone to speak simply my little problems. but these little problems became in big problems. i was hurting myself everyday and i was hiding my cuts with the sleeves of my hoodie. but the summer arrived and i had to stop it because someone could discover me.
i really wanted so bad to hurt me again, but i couldn't. when the school started i made real friends that i'd been talking sometimes with in the summer. i missed so much hurt me and i really wanted to do it again, but i couldn't, that shit was beyond me. i wanted to feel sad and lonely because i get used to feel like this and i was feeling that it was a part of me.
actually, i think the same. sometimes i'm thinking about all of this shit and i say "damn, why it's not like before?". and then i feel guilty because i love my bestfriends, but they don't really know anything of this bullshit. they think i'm not with the "friends" of before because i got bored of them. and it's normal, i get bored of everybody and everything. one of my bestfriends always is telling me that i am a complicated person, and i think it too, but i will never admit it because i am a proud person.
anyways, i don't know what else to say, so see you in next chapter tho.
btw, i'm not an english person, so i'm sorry if i say something wrong.
