The search for purpose

I never actually thought the day would come, that I'd actually have to do it, I could feel the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, longing, fear of the unknown. It was horrible. It was torture, such a tragedy. The thought never crossed my mind that one day, I'd have to throw it all away, leave it all behind... the ones that actually cared for me. "Stop being such a Debbie downer, Morgin" my mom said to me. I glared at her from the backseat in the mirror. "You'll be ok without your friends, they can come visit whenever" she said with a smile. "Mom, just stop, ok? It's not about that, god" except, obviously it was, I actually felt worth it when I was with them. Leaving my besties kaity and Brodie was the hardest thing I've ever done. My mom tried talking to me again so I put in my head phones and rolled my eyes. "Mothers" I grumbled. She looked back at me in a sad way, I hated when she looked at me like that, made me feel guilty. I hated that feeling crawling underneath my skin, like it was trying to eat at me. That's something I feel often now, a feeling of something unspeakable crawling underneath my skin, my demon trying to get out. Since dad died she's had that sad look a lot lately, dad's a big part of why we left, I know she doesn't think I know, but i see it. I caught her eye and gave her a small, reassuring smile, she smiled back, but not the way she used to. I wish she'd be happy, I miss that smile. I leaned my head against the window and dozed off. Time to move to hicktown...yay.

The first thing I realized when I opened my eyes was that I was freezing, and it was bright, which was odd considering we left at 7:00 pm and it was a five hour drive. I closed them quickly as my head throbbed from the rush of light. I wiped my face and brushed my hair back. I closed my eyes again and leaned my head back. As soon as I got comfortable again I heard pounding on my window which frightened me. Of course, it was Alex. I gave him "that look" which meant get lost, but he obviously didn't catch it because he happily opened the door and said "come check out the new place!" Loud enough for the neighbors to hear..that is, if we had any. I climbed out of the car grudgingly and walked into the new place, I'd call it home, but it isn't. As soon as I walked in, I hated it. The floors were cracked, the doors creaked, and air whistled in through cracks in the window frame. I could just picture it now, dad would disapprove of this. He was good at complaining until he got his way. This made me smile a little. Mom walked over to me and I motioned to the house, "this isn't where we're staying right? It's just temporary, isn't it?" I said with a slight hint of hope. She looked at me with a smile and said I'd get used to it. I had to, for mom. I needed to be happy so she could be happy. She put her arm around my shoulder and I smiled up at her. This was going to take a lot of getting used to, but I could do it, or I thought anyways. I went to explore, or tried to but none of the light switches worked.  "Are you f***ing kidding me" I huffed under my breath. Oh well, I guess it could be worse. I ran out to the car and brought everyone's blankets in, we just decided to crash on the floor because we were all exhausted. I couldn't quite figure out why I was since I slept the whole ride but hey, that's me. I layed my head on moms shoulder and waited for sleep to come. But sleep didn't find me... something else did.