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a week had passed since my encounter with the smiling sunbae, if you haven't noticed i'm trying my best to not say his name because i'll definitely get distracted and get lost in my own thoughts.. of him. but of course, he still occupied my mind.
however, this past week i had been preoccupied with my packed schedules and poor attempt to get some rest in between that. Everyday went by so fast, it was either a show or a practice and when we went back to the dorm i was just so worn out that i had very little time to actually think about him. at this point, i'm not really sure if it's a good thing or not. but again, i had no time to think about stuffs outside my schedules.
to be honest, i'm exhausted. and i wasn't able to tell anyone because i'm the leader of the group; i am supposed to keep the group strong, to keep everyone going. if i showed how tired i am, what would the other members think, what would they feel. i have to be that strong rock that they can lean on and the home they can go home to. i have to be the one bringing everyone together, i can't let anything bad happen. i've always kept a strong front or a wide smile, people have acknowledged me for that image. there's no chance to crack. sadly.
of course it's not all bad. it also doesn't mean that i can't trust and rely on my members. i just feel that i have these responsibilities that i have to do which sometimes could feel like a burden.
sigh.
i love my members, i really do. i'm so happy that i'm able to achieve all of my dreams together with them. they mean a lot to me. and i'm always grateful for everything, for us, as an idol rookie, to be able to win in music shows, breaking records, and being at the same stage with great artists; it's such a blessing. our fans have also become a great part of my life and i couldn't thank them enough for making everything happen.
it's just..
i need someone i can rant to.
i need someone to tell me that it's okay to break down and that everything will be alright.
i need someone to listen and understand.
i need someone to pat my back and tell me that i've done great.
i need someone to comfort me.
i just, need someone to lean on.
someone to be my home.
——
"수고하셨습니다 !"
(Thank you for your hard work)
the same word greeted me as i entered the waiting room from our last rehearsal before the broadcast. though, unlike last week, i wasn't welcomed with compliments and smiles from my managers, instead they frowned upon my entrance.
