Passion.

Chapter Twenty Six

Roan
I miss her. More than I've missed any one or anything in this world. I'm pathetically desperate for her to come back to me. I don't know why she left, all I know is that she did. She told David why, but she didn't tell me. She saw my hands bloodied, and she feared me. I saw the strike of terror flash across her face before she broke down and drove away. I wanted to visit her in the hospital, I was already there, I was ready to go in. But something stopped me. Some subconscious thought. That she's better off without me. Without the tragedy and heart break I bring to her life. But hearing what happened from Reggies mouth, knowing she called him instead of me, it just confirmed my thought. She is better off without me. She always has been. I came into her life and I fucked it up, I fucked it all up. I ruined her. I'm the reason she's hurt. She murdered four men, and the way Reggie was describing it made her sound remorseful. But I know the truth. I know my girl. She didn't feel guilty when she murdered them.
She felt the guilt after, just like I did the first time I killed. People aren't made to kill other people, it happens over time. Claire was innocent, she was young, and hurt, but still lively. If I break her, if I damage her forever, I could never forgive myself. I need her to be okay. I want to see her, or call her, or text her. I want to touch her, and make her moan under intensity. I want to kiss her gentle lips again. I want to hold her. I've never felt this passionately for a woman. David's mother was a hook up, every other girl was just another girl to fuck. Another slut. Another piece of ass to enjoy. But Claire, she was different. The moment I laid my eyes on her, I was infatuated. I tried to stay away from her. I would leave after I would fuck her, and I knew it hurt her. It hurt me too. But if I would've just continued that, if I would've just let her love David, things would've been different. She could've been happier. If I wouldn't have let her in, she would be in a better place right now. It's fine when I have blood on my hands, when I'm the one to blame, when I'm guilty. Not when Claire does it. It's been five weeks. Five weeks without Claire. Five weeks without hearing her light footsteps when she walks down the stairs in the middle of the night to take a sip of water, or to eat an Oreo. Five weeks without feeling her. Five weeks without seeing her mad expression when she can't get a knot out of her usually smooth blonde hair. I sound obsessive, and in a way I am, but it's just because I'm in love with her. I haven't been able to do my job lately, and truthfully I have no desire to get my shit together. Reggie rushes through my door and looks shit faced. Of course he'd be shit faced right now. "Dudeeeee" He says dramatically. "What the fuck do you want Reggie?"  "Come on, get your ass up, we're going out tonight."  I can barely understand him through his alcoholic thick british accent. "Excuse me?" I say, sarcastically. "You, me, Out." "No fucking way." I don't intend on going out to a club right now. Especially not with Reggie. He becomes the spawn of satan when he's out, he has no respect whatsoever. For women, he doesn't care much about them. But when a woman confronts him, he becomes the sloppiest piece of shit ever, especially drunk. And with me, he forces women on me like it's his duty to get me laid. It isn't.
Usually, if I haven't had sex in over a month, I would be eager to stick my dick in some woman. But I don't feel that way after Claire. I don't want to fuck anyone else. I don't want to sleep next to anyone else. "Come on man, what happened to Roan Smith? The Bad Guy who had a new woman every night?"
I know the old me, and I know I don't want to ever come close to being that prick again.
"I fell in love Reggie. Something you haven't experienced yet."
"You know goddamn well I've experienced it, so don't start that shit with me. But they took her from me, and they'll take your Claire if you don't get the fuck over her and get under someone else."
There's no arguing with him. He won't leave me the fuck alone until I agree. "Fine. I'll go out tonight. But I am not getting shit faced, and I am not fucking another woman."
"We shall see my friend."
I should check on David. Just to see how he's holding up, since he did nearly die a month ago, and since I'm sure he's feeling the same way I am.
She broke his heart.
I broke mine.
I knock on his door and he's watching television.
"Hey." I say, simply because I don't have much else.
"Hey." He replies. "You good?" I ask, knowing the answer. "Yeah. Fine." His words are fake.
"Listen, I don't think I ever had this conversation with you, but considering the terms, this feels like an appropriate time." He looks confused, but sits up from his bed. I sit next to him. "You never asked to be in The Mafia. You didn't really have a choice, I just did this to you, made you this way. My father did the same to me, and if I could go back and change one thing, it would be taking that fucking kill that night. But I never forced anything on you, because I saw how doing what you do sparked a light in you, and you craved more once you got a taste of how it felt, the adrenaline rush of it all. But I really want to know, when you talk to your son about me, will you tell him that you hated the life I gave to you?" My words are genuine. I fucking hated my father. I hated what he did even more.
"No. I chose to do this, even if you don't recognize it.
What we do isn't murderous or evil. Yes, it's dangerous. But we do good for people. I don't despise you for introducing this world to me. You are more like a brother to me because we are so close. Mom didn't give a fuck. Mom went off and did stupid shit. You looked out for me. You gave me a place to call home, and a job that pays the bills and make me have everything I could've asked for."
It's nice to hear that. I don't have talks like these with David, ever.
"I know you miss her." I could see pain in him.
"I miss her more than I've missed anyone in my entire life. I thought she'd come back."
"Me too."
I did. I had hope. But I'm sure she's adjusting to life well. I'm sure she's doing fine, and that's re-assuring to me. Even if I never see Claire again, I'll be happy for the moments I got with her.
It's the small moments that are good, that make all the large moments of your life that were terrible,
feel a little less large.