A Touch Of Sin [BxB]

14.

(yes that last chapter was only one line lol, it's not a glitch)

Callum's POV:

Coming home is exactly what I needed.

Being back here with Ma and Charlie, walking the familiar roads, going to my favourite coffee shop, it's making me feel like myself again.

"You seem a little better today," Ma observes as she takes a sip of her coffee.

I hang my arms over the wooden bench in front of me as I watch the waves tumble and then flatten out. I feel like ocean is my current state of mine – a swirling mess that twists into an eerie calmness, before the next crash.

"I don't know how to explain how I feel."

"Do you want to try?"

"It feels like my insides are slowly dysfunctioning but I'm expected to carry on living like I'm not in complete agony," I exhale. "My heart feels heavy and sore. I've never felt anything like this."

"I've experienced heart break, but not like this," Ma shakes her head. "I've never seen someone so consumed by love before."

"It's quite possibly the worst thing to have ever happened to me."

A slow smile spreads across Ma's face. "You say that now, honey."

"Everything was perfect. I can't believe I did this to him. He deserves the world."

"That's the thing, why did you let it happen, Callum? You're so strong, it baffles me," Ma's blurts out and I flick my eyes to her curiously. "There must be something there. With Rhett. Otherwise why would you have been tempted?"

I shake my head so violently, I fear I might strain a muscle. "Jake is the only one for me."

"Then why?" she presses. "Why risk it all?"

"I'm an idiot."

"Dig deeper, Cal, you know that's not it."

"I was lonely and he was there. And I'm an idiot."

"Callum," Ma tsks at me, getting frustrated now. "Be honest with yourself."

"Because it's so easy with Rhett!" I explode, throwing my hands out. "With Jake it's always been such a fight. Everything has been an uphill battle and with Rhett it was just so damn easy."

I'm shaking and gripping the bench in front of me.

"And there it is," Ma nods. "What happens now?"

"I don't know."

"You have to ask yourself; do you want to have it easy? Do you want to choose the person who seems to just work? Or do you want the... other stuff?" She seems confused as to how to word mine and Jake's relationship.

"I want Jake."

"Why?"

"Because I will never love someone like I love him. It feels like fire when we kiss and the passion feels like it could kill me."

"Why not Rhett? You don't feel like that when you're with him?"

"No," I shake my head. "It's simple. Boring. Normal."

"So, you wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side," she states, lightly running her finger over the lid. "You wanted to see if 'normal' is what you wanted. And it's not. It was just a painful way you learnt it."

I press the side of my hand to my mouth. "You think?"

She nods. "Yeah. I do. Life is filled with temptations, Cal. You're young. You made a mistake. One that cost you a lot and hurt people. And you're going to have to live with that forever. But take it in stride and try to move on. It's the only thing you can do."

I think about Ma's words for the remainder of the walk. We run into a few of her friend's who insist on asking me twenty questions about university life. The last thing I want to think about is my life there but I force a polite smile on my face regardless.

"What about you?" I ask Ma as we near the end of our walk. "How's your love life?"

"Non-existent. He moved away, said he didn't want to do long distance and that was that."

"I'm sorry."

She shrugs. "It's okay. I've had interest in the house and when I move, it'll be a fresh start."

"For sure," I agree.

"I have had interest," she continues. "As in, I think this could be the last time you stay here."

"Really?" I ask, peering up at the house as we wander up the driveway. "That's depressing."

"I can't wait to be out of here," she admits. "Too many bad memories for me."

I place a hand on her shoulder. "It'll be good change for you, Ma."

"Yes," she smiles. "What are you up to now?"

"I have to do some uni work but should be able to smash it out in an hour or two."

"All right. Let's cook dinner together when you're finished. I'll make apple pie for dessert."

"Yum," I grin.

I trot upstairs and shower. Before getting into my work for the week, I find myself dialling Jake's number.

Much to my surprise, he answers.

"Hey," I say quietly.

"Hey."

"I didn't think you'd answer."

"Me either," he replies softly.

"I'm with Ma, back home," I tell him.

"How come?"

"Needed to get away. Haven't felt like myself lately..." I trail off. He doesn't reply and I take a few moments to simply listen to his breathing. "Thanks for answering. It's nice to hear your voice."

Silence, again.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"Not in the slightest. You?"

"Definite no."

"Good to hear we're both miserable, then," he mutters.

"Ma had some words to me today. Made me think about a few things."

"Yeah?"

"I'm so fucking sorry."

"I know."

"You deserve better than this. Than me."

Silence.

"Jake?" I whisper.

"Yeah?"

"I love you. Always."

I hear the change in his breath. I close my eyes and throw my head back into my pillows.

He's crying.

"I'm going to give you space. Whatever you need. I need to own my mistakes and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. But I want you to know that I'm here and I'm ready for you, whenever you're ready to have me... if you ever are."

"I'm always going to want you, Cal, but what you did was..." he stops for a while. "I just can't do this."

Hot tears roll down my cheeks. I fist my hand so hard my nails bite into my flesh.

"I'll never forgive myself for what I did to you, J," I choke out.

"Yeah," he breathes. "I don't know if I will, either."

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Thoughts?

What is your self-isolation read? Mine is: The Dead Queen's Club by Hannah Capin.