The Alchemist and the Lizard

Lessons On How To Be A Girl 101

Edward walked across the room and back again, cursing under his breath. Every few seconds or so Envy would yell to him that he was doing something wrong. "Don't slouch! Don't grunt! Stop yawning! Move your hips more! Don't stomp! Keep your head up! STOP BEING A MAN."

That's when someone knocked on the door. Edward quickly hid Envy underneath a pillow (nearly losing a finger in the process) and called out; "Who is it?"

"It's me, Havoc." The man responded.

"Havoc!" Edward opened the door. "What are you doing here?"

"I wish I knew. I'm just here to drop off these. They're from Mustang." Havoc held up several boxes that were pink and tied with a glittery ribbon. "What the hell are these for?"

Edward took the boxes quickly and threw them onto the bed, causing Envy to yelp. "Nothing."

"What was that?" Havoc removed his cigarette.

"What was what?" Edward leaned against the door frame nervously.

"That sound."

"Oh you know, just old creaky beds, they squeak a lot, bye, thanks for dropping these off!" Edward shoved Havoc out the door and slammed it shut.

Once Havoc was gone, Edward walked over to the bed. "Envy?" 

Envy crawled out slowly, groaning. "Geez, you could have warned me." 

Edward grunted. 

"Don't grunt!"

"I am not doing this." Edward stared at the array of clothes laid out on the bed. Envy attempted to hold in his laughter.

Mustang had provided Edward with a pink dress with a small neckhole (meant to hide his automail) and had long sleeves with matching gloves to hide (also to hide his automail), and tall white boots. The dress was frilly and flowy and had roses printed on it. There were clip on earrings and a headband, and even a makeup kit. Worst of all, it had a lace underwear set and a cupped bra that looked suspiciously big. There were even foam balls to put inside the bra.

Edward turned red. Thank god Alphonse was over in Resembool with Winry right now.

"Fuck you Mustang." Edward muttered. "You did this on purpose, you bastard."

"Well, pipsqueak?" Envy interrupted his thoughts. "Put them on."

"No way!"

Edward suddenly felt a sharp pain on his ear. "Ow, what the fuck Envy?!"

Envy jumped down from his shoulder, glaring at him.

Edward reluctantly took off his shirt. Uneasily he pulled down his pants and removed his shoes and socks until he was just standing in his underwear. Envy continued to watch as Edward clipped the bra on, stuffing the foam balls inside. He reached for the dress.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Envy chirped, eyes glimmering with excitement.

Edward's face bloomed a bright red as he slipped his finger into the waistband of his underwear. Envy was still watching. No privacy for him. His shorts fell down to his feet, and he squatted awkwardly to hide himself. 

Envy watched intently, staring at him in his nearly naked self, and searched his body with his eyes.

Edward quickly put on the lace underwear and yanked the dress over him. He breathed heavily to himself, embarrassed by all of this. Envy directed him with putting on the boots and everything else, and personally attached the earrings to Edward's ears.

"Now you look almost like a girl. Now you just have to act like one." Envy said.

Together they continued the rest of the day with lessons on how to act and speak like a girl. When it was finally night time, Envy seemed satisfied. "Well, Elric. To me it's not very convincing but it should impress other people. What exactly are you doing tonight?"

"Seducing a murderer who likes pretty girls. I'm supposed to somehow seduce him enough that he will take me back to his place, and then there I can arrest him.Envy?" Edward asked quietly. "Can you come with me?"

Envy looked surprised and then said. "Sure pipsqueak. Only because I need you to help me."

Edward smiled. "Sure." Edward let his hair down and Envy brushed though his golden hair. Envy (with a little help) put the headband on Edward's head for the final touch. Envy then applied Edwards makeup (to Edward it was a little freaky to see a bug-eyed creature applying things to his face) and then they were ready.

They left for Mustang's office at around nine forty. It was dark out and Edward traversed through the streets quickly, to avoid being seen. Envy was hidden underneath his dress collar, hanging on.

As soon as they walked in, Mustang burst out laughing. "I can't believe you're actually going to do this! Are you ready?"

Edward clutched his purse. "Ready as I'll ever be."

"Then let's go Fullmetal. Oh excuse me, lady Elric."

Edward hit Mustang with the purse.

Mustang led him to a late night café and sat him down at a table outside. "You know what to do? And remember if you need help, just break the disguise. The most important thing is that you get him alone. Me and the others will be watching you from a distance."

Edward nodded and Mustang left. He sipped his coffee nervously.

"It'll be okay, pipsqueak. Just remember everything I taught you." Envy whispered.

Edward set his hands down into his lap and crossed his legs, left over right. He stood up straight and drank his coffee, his head up.

"Good." Envy complimented him. "Oh shit, someone's coming towards you. Look."

Edward looked up from his coffee to find a good-looking young man staring at him. 

"Hello." He said in his lady voice.

The man looked startled. "Oh excuse me, miss. I couldn't help but admire your good looks. You are very cute."

Edward recognized him as the murderer. He blushed delicately. "Oh, thank you. You're not too bad yourself." He could hear Envy snickering underneath his breath. "Won't you sit down with me? I'm lonely tonight."

"Why certainly." The man laughed sitting across from Edward and staring deeply into his eyes. "And who are you, you ravishing young lady?"

"Oh my name it's, uh, Winry Rockbell." Edward replied sweetly.

"Miss Winry, I am Seth Flickerman. Why do you say you are lonely tonight? You're so beautiful, I bet you have your pick of any boyfriend in the world."

"Used to. My boyfriend dumped me a few hours ago." Edward leaned forward on his arm, letting his "boobs" pop out and into the open. Seth, on instinct, looked down. "And so, I'm not going to be able to have any fun tonight." Edward whispered, blinking his eyes slowly. He could feel Envy's body quivering with laughter, trying to hold it in.

Seth curled his lips into a mischievous smile. "Well, if you would. Allow me to be your entertainment for tonight."

Edward responded with slowly caressing his neck. "Sure."

Edward stood up with Seth and allowed him to slip Edward's arm through his. The two (or rather three) walked away together.

*Sorry if this part was kinda cringy, but that is just the way of the Edvy ship