Kill me, if you dare (Billie Eilish)

8. If this is over, then it is over.

*Flashback: 3 years ago*

Billie's POV
"So, what'd you want to talk to me about?" Jules asks as I put my shirt back on crawl over the bed to her. She grabs me by my waist and pulls me closer to her so I lay down in her arms and rest my head on her shoulder.

I told Jules I needed to talk to her about something important so she told me I could come over and then we kinda fucked and now she wants to talk about it, which makes it ten times harder for me to tell her.

And no it's not what you think. You may think I'm cheating but Jax knows I still have this 'thing' going on with Jules and Jules knows that I have a 'thing' going on with Jax. Jax wants to take a step further in our relationship and he wants me to break things off with Jules, which is what I agreed on and let me explain why.

Jax is handsome, nice and super sweet, always. He treats me like a queen and that's how he's supposed to treat me. Jules, on the other hand, is super hot, like damn dude she can get anyone she wants and out of all those people she chooses me? But not to be naive, she probably also has a thing going on with other girls. But she's always so bipolar one time she wants me and she even hinted to want to be more than just fuck buddies and then she wants nothing to do with me, she doesn't even want to look at me. you get where this is going? I'm better off with Jax. 

I sigh and look up at her to see her bright green eyes piercing right through my soul. As if she truly is concerned about me. She's been very nice for me the past couple of weeks, which makes it way harder for me to now tell her this. She's even been giving me rides to school and she's been waiting by my classroom for class to end to grab lunch together and she's been openly affectionate with me. It's hard.

"I listen Bil." She says as she notices I'm not going to talk. "Or actually, is this about Jax?" She asks. I just sigh at that, she knows. "Alright, that's enough for me to know. Before you tell me whatever you want to tell me. I know I've been a total dickhead for being nice to you one time and then a complete asshole the other time. I know that, but just know that I love you, I always will. You have a special place in my heart." She whispers.

What the fuck, what is she doing?

Why is she doing this to me?

She knows exactly how to play me and I fucking hate it.

Short pain right? Like ripping a bandaid off.

"I'm joining the Green side, Jules," I whisper.

"You what?" She asks and pushes me off of her a little te look me in the eyes. "I'm sorry Jules I-" She cuts me off.

"So this is it? You're choosing for Jax just like that now that we've finally been getting a little closer, you know how hard it is for me to stay true? I know we're not like anything exclusive or something and I know that that's for a major part my stupid fault but hey one thing you have with me that he won't be able to give you, I'd Always protect you, I wouldn't make you risk your life just to be near me. Joining the fucking gang is going to have such an impact on you, but you know what. That's not my problem anymore I guess. But maybe I should tell you this, just so you know what you truly are loosing. you know I used to sleep around with other people but that's been in the past for a while now the last 6 months the only person who has been in this bed beside me is you." She finishes.

"I- Jules- I didn't know this." I sigh.

"Of course you didn't you were too goddamn busy with Jax to know this, but I get it. He's the perfect boyfriend because in comparison to me the only trouble he brings is a gang and he'll probably keep you safe in that gang because that's how Jax is I guess. And what do you have on my right? I can't even guarantee you that you're the only one, I mean I can, but how could I prove that to you, right? You wouldn't believe me. I mean to go through my phone, go through my whole apartment all you want, I ain't got secrets to hide. But that doesn't matter anymore, right, maybe you should better go."

"No Jules, I'm not just leaving you like this," I answer.

"What do you want more from me, Billie?" She asks.

That's a good question, what do I want?

Her of course.

And Jax.

And to be happy.

I that too much?

"I don't know, I at least expected this conversation to go different than this," I answer.

"What did you expect? That I would hug you and congratulate you on your new-found love? No Billie, that's not how the real world works. You can't always get what you want."

"Okay, I understand that. I just thought you'd have a more mature reaction to it."

"Okay, I get what you mean, let's just do it like this. You give me ALL the time I need to process this, you go join that gang, do whatever y'all do and leave me alone and whenever you need help or you need someone to talk to or need protection you walk through that door right there and I'll be here, still. Just know I won't talk to you anymore. If this is over, then it is over. But remember I'll still help you when needed no matter where the future brings us. Because I care for you." She tells me.

I nod. "Thank you," I mumble and kiss her cheek before leaving her apartment.

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So there it is, there you have the beginning of what was the end of whatever Jules and I had. After that, it only went downhill. She started to really ignore me and hang out with the Red side - especially Adric, I kinda think they have a thing but that's a story for another time - more and eventually she joined them and Jules and I aren't anything but enemies now.