Why did you leave?

sadness

this morning was my seventh day without you. It hit me that its been officially a week since i found you in the bathroom. 

i woke up alone this morning and was instantly hit by a sudden wave of sadness. Not that i was surprised, it has sadly become a daily routine. 

You left me alone. I'm nothing without you. 

but as much as it hurts, i've never blamed you. not once. as much as it might make it easier for me, i could never blame you for something like this. then again i couldn't stay mad at you, ever, and you knew it. even enjoyed it.

i guess a deeply hidden part of me is incapable of blaming you because i understand why you'd want to end it. if anything i blame myself so much. i knew what you were going through, i knew you were in pain, and i still believed you when you told me you were fine. i should have known that "im fine" was a lie, that's all i've been telling people lately. i just couldn't really put my feelings into words at all even if i wanted to. Liam and Alexis have been over a lot too. although i can't tell if they actually wanna be with me. they really miss you, by the way. we all do. it's just not the same without you. 

as time goes by, i'm starting to understand why someone would try to end the pain, which is pretty scary to be honest. i was scared of what i might try to do if it got the best of me so i spoke of it to Liam. big mistake. the lad now has me under suicide watch. i know he's just worried about me, but it feels like a privacy invasion at this point, you know? i can barely go to the washroom without him insisting to come with me to "keep an eye on me". even then he makes sure i know he's nearby.  i know you would have understood my need for alone time, Lily, you've always been one who needed your personal space. i just don't wanna hurt him or make him feel like i don't want him there. believe me, i love him and the last thing i want is to be alone, i just want him to be with me, but not always. i need space, sometimes, you know. 

i just wish i could have saved you. i should have done something, i should have stayed up with you when you told me what was bothering you, or called for help or hidden the medicine higher up, out of your reach. you've always complained about being too short to reach the top shelf by yourself. and i know, if you could talk to me, you'd tell me this isn't my fault and not to blame myself, but i can't help it. i feel responsible of your death. i feel like i let you down, and the feeling gets worse every time i wake up alone in what used to be our bed. our room. our apartment. it just doesn't feel the same as it used to. now it just feels empty.

as i bury myself under the blankets and drift off to sleep, there's one thought floating in my mind, which i can't seem to brush off no matter how hard i try to ignore it. 

did i really let you down?