Aphenphosmphobia

1

Love yourself, they encourage,
But my heart and soul, I still malnourish.
The weight of the world crushing my lungs,
Everyone else talks and I hold my tongue.

What is life, when I'm always dreaming.
Lost in my head, but never sleeping.
Every moment awake, these feelings grow stronger,
My worn heart can't hold them in any longer.

My bones are a crutch for those who choose to be open;
This wouldn't be a problem if my bones weren't already broken.
Nothing anyone can offer this heart would save,
All I need is a doctor, willing to medicate.

Alone in my darkness, deprived of affection,
I can't even recognize my own damn reflection.
The pain that remains hidden,
Keeps me bedridden.
For the people around me, I have to pretend,
That it isn't myself I want to end.

The pills and the drugs, they keep me floating,
'Cause everything I feel remains locked up, unspoken.
It used to be easy, okay to open up,
But lately life has me feeling so stuck.
Everyone relying on me all of the time,
So I give them every ounce of what is mine.

Anything to try and free them of their pain,
Even though, inside, I swear I'm insane.
The obsessive thoughts just keep rolling,
But I'll smile and swear I'm only joking.
Because the people around me have to keep hope,
Even if my only friend is a thick, dangling rope.

It's poetic at best, how I'm crazy, I guess.
Because everyone turns to me when they feel like a mess.
Of course I don't mind, helping them is a gift.
Just have to make sure they never see my wrist.
If they knew the truth, there's not much I could do,
To assure them the words I speak still ring true.

Hypocrite, I suppose I am,
But, at least, I truly understand.
You see, my brother's suicidal and the other one's a killer,
My sister is a basket case who just keeps getting thinner.

My momma abused the family till God showed her the way.
My daddy took the abuse 'cause she convinced him to stay.
I know I'm pretty lucky, 'cause things are better now,
But getting over the trauma, I really don't know how.

This is why everyone is priority.
Nobody else needs to know my sob story.
We all have our own problems and battles to be won;
It just so happens my battle may already be done.

This life is terrifying with the terrorists and rapists,
Not everyone can handle all the homophobes and racists.
See everyone's a rock for another fallen soul,
Holding each other together when the darkness takes its toll.

I know I'm not the only one who gives two hundred and ten percent.
All of us are struggling, whether it's in the past or more recent.
All of our bones are broken, all of our hearts tattered.
Many of us feel like we never even mattered.

It's obvious I'm not alone in the depression that I feel,
But that doesn't make it any easier to decipher what is real.
I'm sorry to the people who have no one at home,
For all the heartbroken lovers and those who ended up alone.

I'm sorry to those who've suffered abuse and violation,
For the people who've given their demons unwanted invitation.
I'm sorry to the world, broken and corrupt,
For those walls we've all put up.

Love yourself, they demand.
No one taught me how, so I reach out my hand.
I reach out for help,
But my hand is slapped away by a belt.