Aphenphosmphobia

8

Where do I even begin?

I never imagined I'd be here again

It's happened twice before

This time I thought it'd be easy to ignore

But I was wrong

It still hurts

Every day a constant reminder of all the energy I exert

It's just to get through the day, I just wanna get through the day

It takes so much energy with everything getting in the way

I just want this be over

I can feel myself constantly growing colder

Affection weighs too much, I'm sick

I get it, I'm sick, but the pain isn't enough to make me quit

Every breath I take made of broken glass

The blood in my veins running black

Poisoned, poisoned by the person I used to be

But sadly that person is only a memory

If only I could go back, oh the things that I would change

All the choices that I made, they keep me feeling strange

I want it to stop, all the memories that should be blocked

Why won't they just go away? That door was supposed to remain locked

Just make it stop! Please someone just make it stop

Never wanted to be here again, I can feel my heart drop

With every medical problem, every appointment

It's just one big cluster of disappointment

The evidence piling up

Leaves me feeling so stuck

How could I let this happen AGAIN!

I let it happen again...

I know I should've known better

I bet it was so easy for them, all they had to do was spread my legs apart

They never had to worry about what their actions would do to my heart

There are no words that can repair the damage done

How could I be so stupid all for one night of fun?

It's all my fault...

Isn't that the default?

Can't blame the rapists, blame the victim for trusting?

How could someone be so disgusting?!

Damnit, look what we've become

Look what we've done

I can't blame myself for one night of fun

It wasn't my fault for trusting, they shouldn't have done it

God it makes me so angry I could spit, I shouldn't have to tolerate it

Everyone keeps telling me I don't have to go through this again

Tell me, okay, why I do I feel like this then?

As if it's so easy, like it can just disappear

Believe me, I wish it could, but the mental effects have gotten too severe

I feel bad for everyone around me

My boyfriend, my friends, my family

It was months ago now, but it still weighs so heavily

How do I move on from this? How do I recover?

Yes, I've dealt with this before, but this time just might push me over

I'm standing at the edge

Hanging on by a thin thread

Damnit, I gotta fight harder cuz this can't be my end

God, this pain I can barely comprehend

But this won't be where my story ends