Nomads

Chapter 4, Pt 1- Freedom

Freedom

"The plan is basically to take as much money you can possibly from your house, and leave a proper letter.", Nasr said as they sat on the railway bridge.

"No", Subash said, "I won't leave a letter."

"Fuck you, man. At least give them a proper farewell, they will have something about you. Maybe they would let you go. Write that you will contact them when you become something on your own." Nasr said giving him a concerned look.

"But they won't understand. They'll search for me even more vigorously if I did that."

"Just do it, okay?" Nasr said, looking down at the deep waters below. He wanted to jump right into it and end his life into a blissful drowning death. It would be so peaceful to just jump into a river and let lost in its waters, never to live and never to be found. It wasn't the first time he had been having such thoughts. Nasr had a habit of thinking about death even when he was not depressed. He would look at beautiful scenery and wonder how peaceful it would be to die there. He wanted to end his life in so many ways, but something always held him back. He was tired of trying to commit suicides. It was the one promise, the only one promise that kept him back from ending his life. The promise he had made to Sikkim that he would go there again.

When he had gone there with his family in 2017, after his high school examinations, for the first time he felt as if his life had completely changed. The green lower Himalayas all round him, it was as if a sea of mountains. He was amazed to see the clouds beneath his feet on the top of his hotel. He was awestruck at the different culture of the people there; they were so modern and liberal and the city of Gangtok felt like an awesome blend of Asian and European architecture. He felt as if he had come to a totally different country.

He was almost enchanted when they were going to Tsongmo Lake from Gangtok, he was looking out of the car window to see the steep mountain slopes right beside him. He saw huge trees coming up through the thick fog from somewhere down the mountain, they seemed like they had no end. He had felt like jumping out of the car window, right into the abyss below and he would fall through the mystical fog to his doom, never to be found again. That time he had felt no regret, he was satisfied from his life. He just wanted to end it right there. There was the first time he had seen snow on the mountain and touched it. While the others were back in the car, freezing from the extremely cold weather, Nasr had opened his car window feeling the chilly breeze on his face. He knew belonged there; he could call it home. He called it home. And it was at that moment, when he was looking at the mystical fog below him that he had promised Sikkim that he would come back soon.

After that, when he had come back to Cuttack. He realized that he could see many hills from the Ring Road. And thus, his love for the mountains and hills became stronger. He would go on hilly roads, look at magnificence and tear up about his past and Sikkim. Rarely did he tear up and cry, but the memories what he had felt there was overwhelming. He had felt loved there, he felt like he finally belonged somewhere. Places, if not people, could at least love him.

He had made a lot of friends but distanced himself from them. He had developed this philosophy that everything was temporary for him, and he was temporary in everyone's life. It helped him not to have any attachments. He didn't lack compassion. In fact, he had too much of compassion, but he lacked the will to emotionally attach himself to anyone or anything.

He had the hope that maybe he would finally be able to live if he reached Sikkim after running away. Maybe he would strive hard and find a small job in one of the many cafes there and save it to travel to some other place again, maybe he would not be able to sustain himself and die there. But he would have no regrets.