Memorable day. I'll never forget this, bloody hell.
11.25pm: Jon called.
"Do you mind if I come up to your room?"
He didn't even say hi, must be bad. "Sure."
He stumbled into my room, usual cheery disposition, didn't suggest anything was wrong. Kept trying to ask if he was alright. He consistently evaded the question, until we landed on the topic of finding love and got to the root of the issue. Not surprised. An elaborate discourse followed.
"Been arguing with parents lately about me finding a girlfriend." He slumped himself on my bed. "They keep reiterating how I'm not getting any younger and how there is a need for men to get themselves married before turning thirty. You know how Asian parents are - auspicious and extremely naggy."
I felt for him.
Jon comes from a family that provided him a very religious upbringing. During college, I knew he had to go for Sunday Church classes. He was raised heavily cultivated in the Chinese culture, particularly because his Grandmother was so anal about staying true to his routes. Busy, stifling schedule. Lucky I'm not in his shoes.
"Do your parents ever talk to you about finding a partner?" Jon asked.
"Not really, they don't intrude into these matters." To be honest, they do, but I hardly entertain them on these issues so I think somewhere along the way, they gave up on finding out about my love life.
"Do you feel the need to even find a partner?"
I pondered. 'Need' seemed to stand out in that sentence. "Don't really 'need,' but I kind of want to.'
Took the opportunity to start tidying up the room because it really looked like a literal mess. Got to make the room conducive. Mum's teachings are being put to good use.
"Do you think you'll ever find one?" It felt as if he needed reassurance, like he was insecure. Never saw this side of him before.
"Hopefully. I'm not placing high hopes on me finding a person right for myself."
He looked nonplussed. "Neither am I confident of achieving that for myself. But my parents though, arghhhh."
Spontaneously decided to drop all my things and lie down beside him. Very unexpected motion, perhaps offering solace. Equanimity.
I decided to quote back his question: "How about you? Do you feel the need to find a partner?"
"I want to." At least we are alike in that thinking.
"What do you look for in your partner?"
"No preference." Period, he didn't offer anymore words. Usually moments like this, if not salvaged soon, would plunge into tension. Gave him a nudge to encourage him to speak more. It worked. Sometimes he can really be so clueless.
"I would think..." He continued, "I don't have a preference. It will click when it is right, I believe in that." That surprisingly coincided with what Max said, perhaps I'm the only one who thinks that there has to be some criteria for a person to satisfy before becoming my partner.
"You?" He asked.
"Same as you, I suppose." Didn't want to suggest a whole list of things, he'd think I was entitled.
And then, most unexpectedly, he smirked: "Hmmph. You'll never find the right one, not with your standards." Loved the smirk though, and we were speaking so close to each other, shoulders touching. The temperature felt like it was climbing.
"Wait how did..." So fascinated how he knew I had criterion, did I let myself show too much? Insecurities.
"Do you have anyone in mind right now for a partner?" He interjected.
Oh god, that question.
I felt prompted to tell a lie, didn't think exposing my true feelings was the right course. Whirlwind of thoughts, seconds felt like minutes. 'Should I tell... C'mon Matthew decide on something.'
"Err... What if I do?" His face shifted back to a sullen look, arms akimbo. Did I accidentally burst his bubble? He looked stunning though, is there never going to be a time when he'd look a little less than perfect?
What followed after this was the most instinctive, spontaneous, unanticipated thing I'd ever done in my entire life. Absolutely hilarious. My hand decided to grab his left hand, he jolted a little.
"What are you doing?"
"Let..." I stumbled, "let me just have this, okay."
"But I'm..."
"I wasn't asking for a reply." And he kept silent. I reached closer and closer to him, gradually feeling the beat of his heart. His arms were trembling, I loosened my grip on his hand. I could tell I was making him uncomfortable, not to mention how I felt, trepidation.
"Don't move," I said in whispering tones. By then, I could feel his breath landing gently on my face, his eyes were lowered, they were gazing at my lips puckering up. Everything around blurred, drowned to nothingness, so intimate. A tide of warmth surged leaving me limp and helpless. The clock was on the stroke of twelve before all the other sounds of the world went silent. "Love you, Jon," and I kissed him, softly at first, and then with a swift gradation of intensity I clung to him as if he were the only solid thing in this complex world. He remained tense, before becoming subdued into a state of languour. I was almost entirely absorbed in this trance, before I found the urge to tear away from his cherry-tasting lips. Awkward, I was so embarrassed.
"Oh my god, I'm sorry." I pattered. He stared at me in great astonishment, speechless. I tossed the other side, facing away from him, I was at a loss. For a moment, silence ensued. I could feel no movement on the bed, I imagined him probably entirely freaked out and agitated. Anxiety began to sink in, crawling up my veins. 'Well done Matthew, you have successfully destroyed another friendship.' I totally expected him to jump and run out.
Instead, I felt him inch his way over to my side and astonishingly, he grabbed me by the shoulder and clung onto me, his face pressed against my back, the heat of his breath laying off easy on my shirt. He mumbled softly, barely audible for me to hear, "Love you too, Matt." He has never called me that, and he tightened his grip around me. I felt so vulnerable then.
We continued to hang onto each other that way and ultimately took the night into the morning, living solely on feelings. I felt safe, I felt contented, my heart had finally blossomed into a flower, just as I had once hoped for, some fifteen years ago. Now it has become a reality, I can't go back to where I used to be.
Ps. This has love written all over, arghhh... sweet, dear, darling, Jon. I must be dreaming...
