In Too Deep

Chapter 6

He just sits there, staring at the wall, even after the rest of the guys in the group leave. His eyes trained on the American flag hung on the wall, but that's not what he sees. His vision is blurred by the dark grey smoke coming off the Humvee, and the tan sand stained a deep red from blood. He doesn't hear the therapist to the side of him asking him what he's seeing, and thinking. Nor does he hear him tell him he'll give him some time. And he doesn't notice when he walks out of the room; giving him some space to gather himself. The time goes by unnoticed too, and soon enough the baseball game starts.

XXXXXX

Erin gets there a little after the game has started, and she signs herself in on the guest list, before walking towards the 'Gerwitz/Halstead' room. When she gets there she takes a deep breath before knocking. No one answers so she waits a few moments before knocking again, but still no answer. She places her ear against the door, listening for the TV, but she's met with silence. So she just waits outside the room; with her back against the wall, and a hot pie in her hand. She busies herself on her phone for a while, and then she hears Mouse. He's talking in a hushed tone to another guy, as they walk towards her. When he notices her his eyes go wide much like they did at the beginning of the week.

"Hey Mouse." Erin says, and he almost looks at her confused. The other guy, says something else that Erin doesn't catch, before he disappears into his room.

Mouse replies with "Hey, uh Erin I didn't know you were coming by." Then he runs his hand over the back of his neck. "Does Jay know you were stopping?" He questions

"We were just going to watch the game, but he hasn't shown, I figured he had a session or something that was running late." She says, and he fidgets uncomfortably before her.

"Uh yeah you could say that." Mouse mumbles

"What does that mean?" She asks as her eyebrows furrow with worry.

He responds with "I don't think Jay will be up for the game today, maybe another time."

"Oh, ok." She whispered as he walks closer to his door, and just as she's about to start walking back towards the entrance, she stops him.

"You would tell me if there was something wrong, right?" She questioned

"Yeah."

"Would you really?" She asks, not truly believing him, but he nods again.

"Ok, I guess I'll talk to you guys later then." She adds with a shrug

"I uh, I'll let Jay know you came." Mouse murmurs

"Thanks, bye Mouse." Erin concludes before she walks away.

XXXXXX

The group often brings up events that happened overseas, what they went through is why they're here, but something about Tom's story caused Jay to have a flashback. It's like having a nightmare while he's awake. He's unmoving, and he can't get pulled out of it until the memory ends. The flashback ends, and he still sits there for a few more moments before getting up and going back to his room. When he walks through the door, Mouse is reclined in his bed with his hand behind his head, and the other is laying on his chest. The TV is on, and the baseball game playing, but Jay doesn't stop to watch, or even check the score instead he just grabs a towel, and clean clothes before going to the showers.

The warm water running down his body helps clear his mind, in the exact way he hoped, so he stays there until his fingers and toes become pruned. He gets dressed, not caring to dry himself off all the way. Then he heads back to their room once again. Mouse is sleeping, in the same position he was in before, and the game recap is playing on the TV. Jay throws his dirty clothes into his hamper, hangs the towel to dry, and turns the TV off, then he remembers that Erin was supposed to come to watch the game with him. He wonders if she decided not to come or if she came, and was sent away. He thinks about it, about her, and he's not sure why, but he feels himself calm slightly. Eventually slipping into a peaceful slumber, that quickly becomes dark, and it's not long before he's being woken up by Mouse, who he takes a swing at accidentally.

"You alright man?" Mouse questions, when he sits back down on his bed.

"Yeah I'm fine." Jay grumbled. He's grateful Mouse just nods his head, and walks back to his bed. He lays back down, and rubs his eyes.

"What'd you see?" Mouse asks a few moments.

"Tom was talking about how his unit got ambushed." Jay begins, but stops.

"It reminded you of the day we lost our unit." Mouse states, and Jay nods. Mouse isn't looking at him, in fact they're both staring at the ceiling, but he knows the answer.

"It's like I'm right back there, climbing out of the Humvee, and seeing the smoke, and the bloody sand. I remember how hot the sand felt under my hands as a crawled over to the side, and then stood up to walk to the Humvee in front of us. I thought they were all dead, but then I got to Joe, and he moved, and groaned. I knew he was in bad shape, but I thought maybe he'd make it through. He knew he wasn't coming home, not alive at least. His last words were to tell them he loves them, and then his eyes closed, and his breathing stopped. I begged for him to stay with me, and go meet his son, even after I knew he was gone. I could have tried to bring him back, I should have tried." Jay confessed.

"Jay there's nothing you could have done." Mouse retorted and then the room falls silent again for a while, but they know the other is awake.

"Do you think there will ever be a time where that's not the first thing that comes to mind when someone talks about a memory or a nightmare of their time over there?" Jay wonders after a bit.

"I'd like to think so, but I don't know man." Mouse answers honestly.

XXXXXX

The next day Jay doesn't want to leave the room, opting out of going to his therapy session in the morning. Mouse is surprised when he comes in at around noon, and sees his best friend still laying on the bed. He was hoping to invite Erin back to watch the game with Jay today, but she didn't answer. And seeing his roommate in the same state as he was in this morning, makes Mouse glad she was busy. He has a group session in a half hour, but he wanted to check the game. He grabs the remote off the nightstand next to his bed, as he sits down.

"You know Erin came by yesterday." Mouse mentions

"How do you know?" Jay asks quietly

"I was the one that told her you weren't up for the game." Mouse stated

Jay just replies with "Thanks." as he looks at the small screen.

"You know she seemed concerned, but also a little sad when I told her." Mouse adds after a few minutes, and Jay just gives a noncommittal hum.

"So are you going to reschedule your date?" Mouse asks next.

"Can we not talk about this, or anything please?" Jay asks

Mouse nods, and responds with a simple "Sure." They both watch the game.

"But it was supposed to be a date, right?" Mouse questions after another few minutes.

"Mouse." Jay warns

But Mouse persisted "Come on Jay, just answer the question."

"I don't know, I guess it was supposed to be." Jay admits

"Did you want it to be?" Mouse nags

"I don't know." Jay says.

"You don't know, or you don't want to admit that it was a date?" Mouse questions, and Jay chuckles lightly.

"I guess it was a date, but it also seemed too lame to be a date." Jay answers honestly.

"Do you like her?" Mouse inquires

"Nope not at all, just wanted to spend sometime getting to know her for the hell of it." Jay answers, and Mouse rolls his eyes at him, and then he drops it, and the conversation stops, and for twenty minutes the room is silent other the sounds of the baseball game playing on their TV. Mouse looks at the clock on the wall, and gets up from his bed slowly.

"I'll see you after group." He says to Jay as he makes his way to the door.

"You should reschedule your date with her, she might cheer you up." Mouse insists

"Bye Mouse." Jay concurs, and Mouse leaves with a dimpled smile on his face.

Jay continues to watch the game for a bit, before he gets up, and walks to the desk to look for the little scrap of paper. When he finds it, he holds it between his thumb, and index finger for a minute before leaving the room. He walks straight to the phone booth and dials her number.