sleepless. Ive havent slept properly since last night. I have thoughts running in my head, some are good, but some are just bad. Theres so many words I want to say but Im afraid of the outcome, Im afraid of the actions that happen afterwards. Like for instance, I just want to keep telling him that I love him, over and over, but Ill seem annoying, or the fact I see him in my future? Like hes the one for me, I cant think of anyone else. I want to marry him in the future. I suppose those are my good thoughts, they are mainly about him, and summer time, but mostly about him. On the other hand I have my bad thoughts, the ones that would cause a shiver down your spine, thoughts. There are times I have thoughts of ending it, just wanting to sleep but never wake up. I know I dont want to do it, but I think about it, a lot, because I kinda feel useless here. I do nothing but lay here, on my bed, with many thoughts, I go outside and sit in a car, but I still over think. I want to leave and just go anyway, with no worries, but I cant now. Were quarantined. My thoughts are running over the place, with no destination, switches lanes, but never exits. All I want to do is sleep, more than an hour. Last night was great, I got to sleep for a long time, but tonight I feel like I wont get that again, because I have so many sad thoughts I might start crying. I dont want to cry, because crying means my thoughts become reality. I swear Im better, Ive gotten better But Im losing weight, Im not sleeping, its going back to where I started, Im losing control. But Im happy? Or at least content where I am right now, but Im stuck in this spot, Im not moving forward. Im afraid, Im so goddamn afraid that I am going to get worse. He helps though, I mean talking to him helps, but I cant tell him everything, Ill scare him and hell leave, cause who would want someone so damaged? I am so tired, but I know I wont sleep , Ill just keep having thoughts run through my head till I collapse in exhaustion. But one last thing I love you goodnight. Another thing, if I do sleep I hope I dont wake up an hour later, cause that hurts even more. I just want another none sleepless night. Please.
